Ask Audrey: 'He’s doing a PhD on Cork Language in UCC, as he’s terrified of ever getting a job'

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

Now, listen up Paddy. My wife and I are travelling first class to Cork from Heathrow airport tomorrow morning, to escape the flag-waving untouchables around town for the royal wedding, shouting ‘we’d be lost without the queen, innit.’ While the royals are considered quite common in my circles, my wife and I would still like to watch the ceremony nonetheless, pride in your patria and all that. (Patria is the Latin word for home country, you hedge-school dimwits.) Anyway, where would be a good place in Cork to catch the wedding on TV?

– Edmund ‘Servant-Shagger’ De WinceaLot, London, I believe I own half of Kenmare.

I suppose it’s better than owning all of it. I asked my Posh Cousin where around Cork would have a welcome for a septic lúdramán. (That’s the Irish word for idiot, you public-school gobshite. No offence.) She said take the bus to Crosshaven, that crowd would so anything for a bit of tourism. I said I couldn’t imagine anything more common. She said, except for Meghan Markle’s family. We had a good old laugh about it.

Guten tag. I am now six weeks living in Cork and there is something that puzzles me greatly. In Germany, my local supermarket is called Lidl. Here, most people call it Lidls. Likewise, Aldi is called Aldis. When I told my neighbour I was unhappy about Lidls, she said, “No problem Jurgen boy, you can always go to SuperValus”. This is infuriating. Can you explain it?

– Jurgen, Dortmund and St Luke’s, I like things to be precise.

Go way. And there was I thinking Germans were mad for crack. I checked with my swotty nephew, he’s doing a PhD on Cork Language in UCC, because he’s terrified of ever getting a job. He said that Lidl’s is the possessive, as in it belongs to Lidl. I said you never hear Posh Cork people saying Lidls. He said you never hear them saying Lidl either, in case their neighbours think they shop there. I said, you’re good crack for a layabout.

I’ve got this cousin from like Cork, he’s coming up to Dublin this weekend to watch Munster getting todally blown away by the 150% legends in blue that I like to call Lane-ster. I said he can hang with my goys after the carnage, as long as he doesn’t wear tan shoes or that Eau du Bogmeister aftershave you guys use to cover up the whiff of farm-shite. Do you think he’ll fit in with the crew of 250% ledges that I like to call my friends?

– Gordon, Ballsbridge, why does he keep talking about some place called Pres?

He’s terrified people will think he’s from Limerick. (And who could blame him?) My godson moved from Cork to Dublin four years ago. I said what does a Cork guy need if he wants to fit in with a gang of entitled langballs who live at Up Their Own Arse, Dublin 4. He said, he should shut down half his brain and speak with a ridiculously posh English accent. I said, nice one, people will think he’s Prince Harry.

C’mere what’s the story with popping the question to the old doll, when she do be fully expecting it? My old doll is hinting like mad at the moment, even going so far as to say she’d be more up for bedroom action with a ring on her finger. So, basically, my plan is to pop the question while she’s watching the royal wedding on Saturday and then use some old guff that old dolls like, such as ‘you do be my princess.’ Am I on solid ground with that approach, or what?

– Dowtcha Donie, Blackpool, I won’t life a single finger to help her organise the thing.

That’s more than most men do. There is no right way to pop the question. I know the preferred approach in Blackrock is to show your bank balance to your girlfriend and say, “Will that be enough to satisfy your mother?” Whereas in Kinsale it’s more “How can I go wife swapping if I don’t have a wife?” (Try Bandon, apparently.)

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a pack of celebrity watchers inside in Schull, and didn’t she come home the other night and announce that she wants an open marriage, no less. I said, how do you mean? She said, I want to be able to see other people. I said, why don’t you just get a new pair of glasses. She didn’t like that one bit. Do you think I should agree to this open marriage crack or what?

– Dan Paddy Andy, Ballydehob, she hasn’t spoken to me in a week.

Bliss. I think that a complete lack of communication is the secret to a successful marriage. I also know that a long-term relationship can be a bigger challenge than giving elocution lessons in Killorglin. I begged My Conor for an open marriage last year. He said, why do you want me to sleep with strangers? I said, it might finally give us something in common.