Ask Audrey: Like, achtung Cork boggers, I’m totally coming to your no-horse town to rock out to Ed Sheeran,

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages, like ...

Like, achtung Cork boggers. So, I’m totally coming to your no-horse town to rock out to Ed Sheeran, with this bird from Mount Merrion that I’m half sleeping with (you know the way it goes). As a quid pro quo (look it up, you snivelling farmer types), she has agreed to come to Kinsale for the Rugby 7s, so I can drink beer from a giant glass boot and join some English goys who are chanting at passing tourists. Result. So, like, is everything much cheaper down there?

– Gordon, Dalkey, obviously. It will be my first time in Cork.

Thanks for staying away for so long. I’m really looking forward to the weekend. The weather forecast is saying a southerly wind, which should blow the sound of Sheeran’s moany warbling across to the northside, away from my place in Ballinlough. (Recently valued at 450 grand.) As for over-charging, Cork retailers are fair to most people, but tend to apply a 50% mark-up for Oafish Dublin Gobshites who work in their dad’s business. It’s called the langer tax. I think it was named after you.

I’m very stressed over my daughter, Isabelle’s birthday. She’s six next week and I’m terrified my neighbours in Ballintemple will think we’re not loaded. I’ve done the obvious things, like booking Ed Sheeran to sing at her party and hiring a small plane to fly over the area, saying ‘Happy Birthday Isabelle, 6 today. Your parents are millionaires.’ But the real sweet spot is the party bags for the kids going home, as their parents will get to see those and feel terrible about their own net worth. What do you think I should put into them?

– Monica, Ballintemple. I spent eight grand on a dress.

You must really love your daughter. I wondered: who do I know living in the heart of bitchy-wealth-display Cork? Then, I remembered I have a second cousin on Maryborough Hill. She said that one of her neighbours put the going-home goodies in Stella McCartney handbags. I said: ‘that’s awful’. She said: ‘I know, imagine not being able to afford a Fendi’?

Hello, old stock. I popped into Cork Con for a swift pint yesterday evening, and I was six Heinekens in when the security guard from my office sidled up to me at the bar. (I’ll be tabling a motion at the AGM, insisting we enforce our ‘No Norries After 7pm’ rule.) Anyway, he bought me a pint and said he’d a be honoured to have me at his daughter’s wedding next weekend. (She’s marrying a welder.) It must have been the drink talking, but didn’t I accept the invitation, as long as I can have my chum, Hoggy, as my plus one. Do you think I’ll fit in?

– Reggie, Blackrock.

I’d say you’ll stick out like a Brown Thomas bag in Farranree. My aunt is a wedding planner and was forced to take on some lower-order clients during the recession. I asked her what’s the main difference she noticed. She said a Norry wedding is all fake tan and real accents, while a posh, southside bash is the other way round. #Intriguing.

C’mere, what’s the story with phone sex? I met this old doll from Holland, at a stag party in Ibiza two weeks ago, and she decided we should have a long-distance relationship. I thought that would mean online chats, the odd present, maybe a visit over here, so I could show her the sights of Cork. It turns out she’s only interested in a five-minute Whatsapp call every night, for a bit of how’s your faaather. (The Dutch do be filthy.) Is there any chance these calls could be hacked? -– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool. I’d like more, you know that kind of way?

I’d say so would she — five minutes is very fast, even for a northsider. I asked my tech geeky nephew, Eric, about this. He said: ‘There is no way I’ll ever talk dirty to a girl over the internet’. I said: ‘Is that because you wear socks under sandals and haven’t washed your hair since 2016’? He said: ‘Got me there, Aunt Audrey’. He has a good sense of humour, for a nerd.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself left out a hoot reading the Examiner during the week, when she read that one in 10 Irish people have never visited a farm. This a bad thing, according to herself, anyway, and she has set up an action group to rectify the situation, with none other than myself in charge of PR. So, ye’re all welcome to pay us a visit on our farm this weekend. Do you think you’ll come, do you? - Dan Paddy Andy. Carry on past Skibbereen and take a left at the forty-second Love Both poster.

I am part of that one in 10 that never visited a farm. (We have a Whatsapp group called The Lucky Few.) I asked my Posh Cousin if she’d come with me to see Dan Paddy Andy’s farm. She said: ‘you must be joking, the smell will be awful’. I said: ‘don’t worry, I’ll ask him to change his socks’.