has been sorting out Cork people for ages, like ...
Thanks for staying away for so long. I’m really looking forward to the weekend. The weather forecast is saying a southerly wind, which should blow the sound of Sheeran’s moany warbling across to the northside, away from my place in Ballinlough. (Recently valued at 450 grand.) As for over-charging, Cork retailers are fair to most people, but tend to apply a 50% mark-up for Oafish Dublin Gobshites who work in their dad’s business. It’s called the langer tax. I think it was named after you.
You must really love your daughter. I wondered: who do I know living in the heart of bitchy-wealth-display Cork? Then, I remembered I have a second cousin on Maryborough Hill. She said that one of her neighbours put the going-home goodies in Stella McCartney handbags. I said: ‘that’s awful’. She said: ‘I know, imagine not being able to afford a Fendi’?
I’d say you’ll stick out like a Brown Thomas bag in Farranree. My aunt is a wedding planner and was forced to take on some lower-order clients during the recession. I asked her what’s the main difference she noticed. She said a Norry wedding is all fake tan and real accents, while a posh, southside bash is the other way round. #Intriguing.
I’d say so would she — five minutes is very fast, even for a northsider. I asked my tech geeky nephew, Eric, about this. He said: ‘There is no way I’ll ever talk dirty to a girl over the internet’. I said: ‘Is that because you wear socks under sandals and haven’t washed your hair since 2016’? He said: ‘Got me there, Aunt Audrey’. He has a good sense of humour, for a nerd.
I am part of that one in 10 that never visited a farm. (We have a Whatsapp group called The Lucky Few.) I asked my Posh Cousin if she’d come with me to see Dan Paddy Andy’s farm. She said: ‘you must be joking, the smell will be awful’. I said: ‘don’t worry, I’ll ask him to change his socks’.