Ask Audrey: Got off the train in Thurles, it was like being abandoned in a wildlife park

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages...

Hello from Limerick. I know we haven’t seen eye to eye in the past, mainly because of your outrageous attitude towards Kilmallock. But I’d like to put all this behind us now and ask for Cork’s support in fighting plans by that shower up in Dublin to pump water from the Shannon to the capital. Do you think you can help?– Eileen, Limerick, it’s time for our two great cities to join hands.

Do you mind if I put on a pair of gloves? Here is the view from Cork. Maybe if Limerick people had more than one shower a month, there wouldn’t be any water left over for Dublin.

So, like, totes, what’s going on with you pack of culchie losers? Obvs none of you goys have any interest in going to Bilbao for the European Final to see the 110% total ledges that represent Leinster in the rugby. So, I’d be more than happy to take a match and flight ticket off one of your sad and clammy bogman hands. You can reach out to me on twitter, @IamBasicallyEnglish. Do you think I’ll be OK flying from Cork?— Gordon, D4 obviously, are you like welcoming to Dublin people?

Extremely, but I’m sure we can make an exception in your case. You are obviously used to flying out of Dublin. The main thing you’ll notice in Cork Airport is you can arrive at the terminal and get to your gate without passing through 14 shopping centres. Also, unlike Dublin, the long-term car-park here isn’t located on the west coast of Wales. Finally, there is every chance the guy in security will know you by name. So don’t be surprised if he calls you a Thick Smarmy Dublin Langball. (No offence.)

Guten Tag. A lot of the Irish people in my office at work got very excited this week about something called the Trip To Tipp, in Thurles. This is crazy. I got off the train there once by mistake and it was like being abandoned in a wildlife park. A lot of the hairstyles were like Kylie Minogue in 1988, and that was just the men. Do you think I should go on this Trip to Tipp with my colleagues?— Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig, what does everyone call it Feile?

Because there was always some drunk guy from Killarney trying to ‘fale ya.’ (How bad?) I know what you mean about Thurles — it’s not called the dead centre of the country for

nothing. I looked at the line-up for this new Féile — it’s basically Electric Picnic for people who own a Massey Ferguson. If that isn’t your thing, you could head up to Thurles for a Munster Championship match. There’s nothing like a Clare fan drinking milk out of a bodhrán to make you question the theory of

evolution.

C’mere, what’s the correct amount of time to be having sex with an old doll? I don’t watch porn myself like, but my friend Denim Dave is addicted to it and said that they do be doing it for at least 20 minutes before they get to the good bit. I asked my old doll if she would be OK with that and she said I should able to read her body, as if I’m from France or something. So, like what is the average amount of time that men spend doing the business?— Proud Paul, Togher

I referred your question to my friend whose job is to study sexual deviance. (She lives in Kinsale, so there’s no commute.) She said the latest survey of a 1,000 people found the average time for intercourse is six minutes.

I said, did this survey include My Conor. She said no. I said so the correct average is closer to four minutes. She said probably.

I’m in tears writing this. My aunt passed away recently and we came up trumps in the will, thank God. (I was worried all those afternoons watching Deal or No Deal with her in the nursing home would amount to nothing.) The reason I’m upset is the story in the papers this week that there is a new Lotto millionaire in Cork. I’m worried people will think we got our windfall from a norry pursuit like the Lotto, rather than earning it by virtue of being from one of the most respectable families in Bishopstown. How can I fix this?— Lorna, Bishopstown, did I mention we’re from one of the most respectable families in Bishopstown?

Yes. Did I mention that’s like saying you’re one of the cleanest people in Coachford. (#Unimpressed). I asked my Posh Cousin about your issue. She said, why doesn’t Lorna get a photo of herself in the Examiner, receiving a giant novelty cheque for her aunt’s money from a reputable solicitor? I almost said good luck finding one of them, but I can’t afford another lawsuit.