Ask Audrey: Youghal without tracksuits is an entire town walking around in the nip

She's been sorting out Cork people for ages

>b>Like, totally what is the story man? It’s two months since I left Dalkey for just outside Ballydehob, to become a deep thinker and part-time kimchi pop-up concept guru. Yay, West Cork, great, let’s get even closer, so myself and my reiki instructor Crystal Mermaid (not her real name) decided to go to a Gaelic football match in the town. Got there, like everyone is speaking Pakistani. What in the name of my millionaire Dad is the story there?— Kai (not my real name), Ballydehob, smile dude, it might never happen.

Profound. (You’re about as deep as the Lough.) As for everyone speaking funny — you needt o spend less time with people who make unicorn cake and more time with actual natives. That wasn’t Pakistani you heard, it was English in a West Cork accent. I find the best thing is to nod away and say no, in case they are asking you out on a date.

C’mere what’s the story with liking Waterford, even though you are from Cork and your dog is called Rebel Yelp. The old doll is mad to try new stuff, so we ended up in Dungarvan last weekend to do the greenway cycle thing they do be having. I was amazed to find the whole thing very enjoyable. It was like liking someone from Douglas, despite everything, you know that kind of a way. Anyway, I don’t hate Waterford, am I weird now or what?— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, next I’ll be able to think about Limerick without getting a fit of the gawks.

Let’s not rush things. You’re not the only one who thinks Waterford isn’t a complete dump. My friend, Snooty O’Leary, came back raving about Dungarvan last year. I said, come on Snooty, was it not a bit like Youghal without tracksuits? She said don’t be ridiculous, Youghal without tracksuits is an entire town walking around in the nip.

Any crack? Wasn’t I listening to Marian Finucane on Sunday, when she said the Catholic church is asking rich people to help pay for the Pope’s visit to Ireland later in the year? I myself have lost interest in the church, even though I still go to mass for half a look at the Spanish au pairs, working locally. (I asked the priest if this was a sin, and he said hopefully not because it’s the only reason he turns up for mass himself.) Anyway, do you think people will pay for this papal visit crack?— Mick Mike Mickey, Killarney.

This whole initiative is a huge hit in certain parts of Cork. The minute the word got out the church is only approaching wealthy people, half the southside was going around saying they got a phone call from the Bishop, “he must have seen my 181 C Range Rover”. Of course, I can see it working differently down in Kerry. I remember getting into a top of the range Bugatti with a Tralee guy, to go and see his 17 bedroom house. I said you must have loads of money. He said, yerra, what gives you that impression.

I’m a very successful business woman with one of the best apartments in The Elysian. I thought I’d hate the fact it faces the northside, but it turns out the be quite the opposite. The truth is, I love standing on the glass balcony in my underwear, imagining some trainee electrician called Gav spying on me from a council house. Do you think there is something wrong with me ?— Fiona, The Elysian, please change my name.

No prob, Deirdre. I passed on your concern to my friend. He’d like to be addressed as Doctor because he has a postgrad in sexual deviance, but everyone calls him Paul the Perv. He said you she should try and see some one. I said I’m not sure if she owns a telescope. He said no, she needs to talk to an expert in sexual deviance and exhibitionism. I said I’ll check if she knows anyone in Kinsale.

Hello old stock. Reggie Jr arrived in last week and announced that he is becoming a house-husband. I said is that the new word for gay. He said no old stock, I’m going to stay at home and mind Reggie Jr Jr, while Caroline goes out to work. I said are you sure it’s not the new word for gay. He’s not speaking to me now. Is there anything I can do to win him back?— Reggie, Blackrock, why can’t he see it was a joke?

Because it wasn’t funny. (The solicitors made me write that. I think you’re hillaire.) I got in touch with my second cousin, he’s a stay at home father of two. I said what is the best advice Reggie can give to his son. He said every stay at home dad should make sure to do something forhimself. I said like what? He said get a vasectomy. Or better still, move to Brazil and change your name to Sandra. (He’s finding it very tough since the second child came along.)