Ask Audrey: 'I'm worried that Young Offenders will affect house prices in Sunday's Well'

She's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

Hello old stock. I was thinking of bringing my wife Marjorie to Fifty Shades Freed in Mahon Point , in the hope she might tie me to the couch when we get home. My only problem is I haven’t been to the cinema in ages, because you never know when you’ll end up sitting next to a trainee mechanic from Passage West. Will I look out of touch if I ask for the jumbo seats?

Reggie, Blackrock, we’re back from the Alps.

I’m sorry to hear that.

For the uninitiated, those seats were for two people in the cinema.

Let’s just say if we name d'kids after the place they were conceived, a la Beckham, half of Cork City would be called The Jumbos.

Be careful, because asking for the jumbos these days is as old-fashioned as a hair cut in Cappoquin. (Imagine.) I’ll never forget when My Conor and I went to Fifty Shades of Grey.

He turned to me at the end and said, you’re a very naughty girl, it’s time for some cruel and unusual punishment. I said no, My Conor, please don’t make me watch the movie again.

Am I the only one who’s appalled by this Young Offenders show on RTE? Anyone looking at would swear the northside is choc-a-bloc with tracksuited gougers, it’s just the kind of thing to wreck house prices in Sunday’s Well.

My little guy, Hugo, caught five minutes of the show and now he wants to become a kick boxer. Enough. I’m crowd-funding with some friends to make a TV show about two decent boys who go to Christians, and get their own stall in the English Market selling organic kale to impressionable millenials (400% mark up!). Could you spread the world about it please?

Lucy, Sunday’s Well, I’m thinking of calling it Posh Cabbages.

That’s a terrible thing to say about boys from Christians. My smug Limerick friend was on WhatsApp last night with, “They should have put sub-titles on Young Offenders, LOL”.

I said, "why?". She said, "So Limerick people could understand what they are saying, LOL.” I said, “I didn’t know ye could read, LOL.”

Radio silence after that.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself went to what was obviously a conference for sex maniacs in Kenmare last weekend, because didn’t she arrive home on Sunday night and announce she would like to have an open relationship.

I asked what’s an open relationship, at which point she opened the door and introduced me to a man called Derek. A man in his early fifties, it’s fair to say that Derek has yet to experience his first day of work. Which is another of saying he’s a poet. Do you think it would be considered rude if I asked him to leave?

Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Skibbereen until you hear a man shouting, “Crysht Derek, that doesn’t even rhyme.”

It’s a funny business. Myself and My Conor were thinking of starting an open relationship last year, but changed our minds when we saw the price of property in Kinsale.

I think you could soften the blow by putting it in terms that Derek will understand: ‘Here’s a message from Dan Paddy Andy/Get your hands off my wife and leave fairly handy.’

C’mere, do you reckon vegans are forgiving? My latest old doll lives in a massive posh gaff and sounds half English, even though she’s from Innishannon.

The problem is I had to tell a slight lie at the start, because she only dates vegans. That’s back-firing a bit now because I do be a demon for the sausages, particularly after a feed of drink. Do you think I should come clean?

Proud Paul, Togher, you can’t see her house from the road.

It must be very small. I was trying to guess who your girlfriend is, but a local in Innishannon with half an English accent could be any one of 500 people.

I told my vegan niece from Sunday’s Well your story and asked her if she would be able to give you a second chance.

She said no way. I said because of a few sausages? She said no, he’s from Togher, that’s just unforgivable.

After 20 years dating women, I realise now that I’ve been living a lie.

What I really want to do is date women from the lower orders and upset my ridiculously posh father, who can’t believe I didn’t become a doctor or a tax exile.

I’ve installed an app called Norry Finder, but I still haven’t got any swipe rights, I think you call them. Any idea what I might be doing wrong?

Edward, Monkstown, I’m not what you might call a looker.

You’re not even what I might call at 2 am, if Toni from Ciao Bella Pizza wasn’t picking up his phone. (No offence.) I took a look at your profile pic on Norry Finder. Your problem is you didn’t go all-out lower order.

The least you could do is photoshop on a wispy moustache ,or a tattoo saying “I hates fish.”