Ask Audrey: 'Most houses in Bishopstown are smaller than a Centre of Culture in Clonmel'

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Hello old stock. We have a tradition here in Chez Reggie, where my wife Monica drops me into the Imperial for a Christmas Eve drink with the lads and I arrive home three days later in someone else’s coat. Unfortunately she did a ‘One-Day Assertiveness Primer’ in a spa retreat last July, and came home insisting I had to choose between herself and the lads. As a result, things are going to be very different this Christmas in Chez Reggie. Is there any chance you could pick me up tomorrow and drop me into the Imperial?

— Reggie, Blackrock, we might have to swing by Cork Con to pick up Hoggy

I’d rather watch camogie. (Imagine.) I asked My Conor if it came down to it, would he chose me over his male friends. He said yes, and what about you? I said I’d chose your male friends, particularly since Jim started doing all the Crossfit. (The shoulders on him.)

C’mere what’s the story with my old doll being a lesbian? I stumbled on her Christmas presents hiding place last night, (while looking for it). I found an electric drill in one bag and the other had a saucy police dress and some sex toys. Now, she only gives two presents at Christmas, one to me, the other to her best friend Sandra. So like, if I do be getting the drill, then it follows that, you know yourself. Do you think I should confront her?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I do be turned on if I’m honest

You might have to turn to DIY, if you get my drift. I asked my relationship therapist neighbour to have a look at your dilemma. She said: “I think his ‘old doll’ is trying to send him a message.” I said ‘go on’. She said: “It’s clear the woman is a free spirit who doesn’t want to be tied down. I said ‘unless it’s by Sergeant Sandra with a set of furry handcuffs’. She said, ‘good point’, I didn’t think of it that way.

Do you have any pull above in Cork Airport? I have to go up there Christmas Eve to meet my highly successful sister (dentist), flying in from London. (Heathrow. As if any of my family would be seen dead in Stansted.) My problem is the arrivals at Cork airport is very common at this time of year, with whole families of Norries screaming: “Look Mam, dare do be Derek. Idinny ee hansum?” At least in departures you can pay a few quid and hide in one of the First Class Lounges. So, is there any chance they could put a Norry-proof lounge at arrivals?

— Monica, Blackrock, you wouldn’t know what you’d catch

The next flight out of Cork, if I saw you waiting for me. I’m afraid I’m persona non grata at the airport after an incident involving two bottles of gin and a body-scanner. (Don’t ask.) So I passed on your issue to my Posh Cousin. She said most southsiders in the know fly into Kerry Airport at Christmas time. I said that must be an awful drive home. She said not really, as long as you’re good at breathing through your mouth. (Until you’re well past Ballincollig.)

Any crack? My son is back from New York for Christmas, and him a homosexual. I’ve no problem with that or the fact that he’s bringing his black boyfriend with him. The issue is my 97-year-old mother. I would be doing a disservice to the truth if I said she likes to keep her thoughts to herself, which would bring its own problems at the Christmas dinner table. I don’t want to exclude my son and his boyfriend, because you don’t want to be known as a racist, homophobe inside in Killorglin. (How times have changed.) On the other hand, there’s probably only a year left in my poor mother and she’s worth north of 700 grand. Have you a solution for me?

— Mick Mike Mickey, Killorglin

Old people are a nightmare, aren’t they? I’ll never forget when I brought my current husband to meet my grandmother. I said this is my new beau, Gran. She said I never knew you were gay. (My Conor had just changed barber.)

Ciao. I am going to stay with my new girlfriend at her mother’s house in Bishopstown for Christmas. It’s going to be awkward, and not just because I need to sneak out and Skype-call my wife in Bologna for 15 minutes. The problem is that my girlfriend’s mother won’t let us sleep in the same bed, which is a shame because I am Italian. Is it OK to sneak into her bedroom later on?

— Carlo, Ballincollig and Bologna, I mean my girlfriend’s bed, not her mother’s

I was going to say that’s obvious, but in fairness, you’re Italian. If you were spending Christmas in Douglas or Ballinlough, I would say go for it. But most houses in Bishopstown are smaller than a Centre of Culture in Clonmel. Your chances of a half-naked bedroom swap are next to nil. (I should know.)