Ask Audrey: What’s the story with playing loud music so people can’t hear you in the jacks?

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Hello old stock. One of the staff left an Evening Echo in Chez Reggie during the week and I decided to give it an old read.

The first story I read is some councillor warning that Limerick could pass out Cork as the second city. I nearly fired my false teeth over the river to Tivoli, with all the laughing. The only way Limerick will ever pass out Cork is in a stolen BMW. Is this more of it now?

– Reggie, Blackrock, I was thinking of running for Lord Mayor.

I know a lot of people would like to see you in chains. I don’t want to insult Limerick people – I know a lot of them read this column, moving their finger under the words and taking a guess at the bigger words.

But I don’t think they will ever compete with Cork, particularly when it comes to class. I mean like, the definition of old money in Limerick is someone who still has a 50 pence piece from 1977.

C’mere, what’s the story with playing loud music so people can’t hear you in the jacks? We go to the old doll’s gaff in Farrannree every Sunday for dinner. I don’t know what her Mam puts in the gravy, but I do be bursting for the number twos by the time we get to the Viennetta.

The thing is, the downstairs jacks is right next to the dining room, and I do be quite farty after the gallon of Beamish the night before. Do you think it would be alright to put on the radio (loud now like,) before I goes in?

–Proud Paul, Togher, I don’t want to be embarrassing no one, not even my future mother-in-law.

I know, it’s mortifying enough that she lives in Farrannree. I asked my Posh Cousin what you should do.

She said date someone with a bigger house. I said he can’t, he’s only from Togher. (No offence.)

Ciao. A beautiful woman started next to me in work this week. I admired her dress while staring into her eyes in an intensely romantic fashion. She reported me to HR.

I explained to HR that I if didn’t sleep with my new colleague within 10 days, I would be a laughing stock among my friends back in Bologna. This seems to have made matters worse. Now I am on a warning, and not allowed to tell any beautiful woman at work what I like about her hair. Can you help?

–Marco, Ballincollig and Bologna, what am I supposed to do all day?

Have you considered trying a bit of work? I asked my Italian ‘friend’ Luca what harassment means to an Italian.

He said “Her ass meant I had to follow her around all day, asking if she would like to go for a coffee.” Seriously, I give up on your people.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a group of civic-minded busy-bodies inside in Dunmanway.

To cut a long story short, who has been given the job of finding someone to turn on the Christmas Lights, only myself? Where would a fella like me even start?

– Dan Paddy Andy, maybe you would know someone in Celebrity Land.

Look, it’s the season of good will to all mankind, and I suppose that should include a shower of knuckle draggers from Dunmanway. Therefore, I would be glad to turn out the lights if you’ll have me.

I am famous in Cork legal circles, among people who deal with defamation cases. ( Let’s just say they’re fierce touchy in Kilmallock.)

There is no need to lay on a hotel room for me or anything like that. To be honest, I’d rather eat Boris Johnson’s underpants than spend a night in Dunmanway. (No offence.)

I made the mistake of driving through Ballyphehane last night, and now my kids want to light up our house for Christmas, as if their father was just an ambulance driver. (Imagine. Ken is extremely high up in banking, before you ask, medium six figures before bonus.)

Anyway, I don’t know how to say no to them, because they’re being reared by a Brazilian au-pair who costs us 100 quid a week (less a contribution to our energy bills.) Lighting up our house Norry style will almost certainly get us kicked out of Douglas Golf Club.

Do you know where I can get tasteful lights?

– Monica, Sunday’s Well, we’d need something that’s appropriate to our place in society.

You mean like in jail? (I’ve heard whispers about your tax affairs.) My niece has a design consultancy business aimed at people with more Botox than sense.

She said putting up bulbs to spell out a message is quite on trend in Posh Cork this Christmas. I said, what should Monica put up on her house.

She said new blinds because everyone can see what herself and Ken can get up to on Batman Suit night.

Bit of vom in the mouth just thinking about it.