Ask Audrey: Herself is after falling in with a bunch of intellectuals inside in Killorglin

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Hello old stock. I’ve taken my wife Marjorie on a grand tour around Italy, after she caught me in Kinsale with a beauty therapist. The only other Irish people on the bus are Donie and his wife Marie, from Ballyvolane. How can I persuade the other people on the bus I have nothing in common with this couple? -Reggie, Blackrock, Marie turned around in the bus the other day and started singing, Ye’re all a pack of langers down the back!

And were ye? I had a similar problem in Italy last year, with a couple called Gerry and Phil from Fairhill. When we were driving through Rome, Gerry said, “Look Phil girl, they have a Coliseum here as well!” My Posh Cousin was with me and said, I think you’ll find now Gerry that the Coliseum here, has more going for it than the one in Cork. He said, I think that depends on whether or not you fancy a game of pool, girl. My Posh Cousin said, what’s pool? We were the ones who ended up as a laughing stock.

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a bunch of intellectuals inside in Killorglin and didn’t they convince her that I’m some kind of savage. Anyway, the upshot is I’ve been told I need to attend a literary festival soon, or she’ll leave me for a guy in Castlemaine who keeps organic bees. Where would a fella find such a festival around here? -John Mick Mike, head out towards Fossa until you see a 1998 Ford Fiesta for sale by the side of the road, I’ll be asleep inside of her.

Are you sure your wife is telling the whole story? I looked up gullible in the dictionary there and it says, “Someone who believes there is an intellectual in Killorglin.” I then looked up intellectual in the Killorglin Book of Big Words and it reads “You know, your man Beardy Mike who passed the Inter Cert.” If you think going to a festival might save your marriage, the West Cork Literary Festival is on in July. They allow in a small number of Kerry people, as long as ye stand in the back and don’t interrupt the poetry readings with “Chryst, lads, you’d think she’d at least make it rhyme.”

Hi. I’m taking my daughter out of school early next week for our summer holidays. My only concern is that the other parents will think I am doing it to save money, when in fact we are both loaded and on first-name terms with Simon Coveney. (Or Simon, as I call him.) Is there some kind of ad I can take out in the Examiner to let our neighbours know that we are, if anything, richer than them? -Tara, Douglas Road, I wouldn’t mind but we’ll be spending July and August in Crookhaven.

I hear Crook has gone a bit common alright. There is actually a popular method to show off your wealth in the Examiner. It’s called Tommy Barker. You put your house up for sale and get our property editor, Tommy, to do an article about it. It usually takes about three months for him to get around to you, so that’s plenty of time to get a slightly bigger hot-tub than Monica in the tennis club. A side-tip for you. Posh Cork has stopped name-dropping Simon for a few months, after he lost to someone from Dublin. (Imagine!)

I’m down in Cork this weekend, supporting Tipp in the football match Saturday night. Where could I go out to score with a few Cork birds? -Tony, Borrisokane, you live in Ballinlough, is it alright if I park across your drive?

It depends on your car. If it’s worth over 50 grand, and you take the bales of hay out of the back so my neighbours might mistake you for a dentist, then I’m up for anything. (And I mean anything.) If you still think you’ll do better in town, I suppose you could always try Crane Lane. It’s popular with Cork women looking for men who speak English as a second language, so you’ll fit in as long as you don’t wear your pointy, tan shoes. Tell the DJ you are a fan of Tipperary GAA and he’ll probably play Rumours. (He has an awful cheek.)

Hi, I started my Leaving Cert this week. My Mom rang me from her girls’ week away in Valencia to wish me luck and to remind me that if I did badly, I’d probably end up living in a council house. Is that true? -Amy, Montenotte, I love the view from our house.

I know, you can look down on everyone. Don’t mind your Mom. With the length of the housing list these days, there isn’t a Norry’s chance in Pres that you’ll get your hands on a place from the council. So, it looks like you’ll be stuck living with her. Sorry about that. And good luck.