Ask Audrey: He got it into his head he was a Norrie and nearly bought a Ford Capri

Sorting out Cork people for ages.

Guten Tag. I am moving to Cork for work and see there are 800 new houses being built in Carrigaline. What are the pros and cons of buying in this town? -Jurgen, Dortmund, I speak excellent English, if that helps.

Not in Carrigaline. Only messing. So many people have moved there now, you’d forget it was once more dangerous than playing spin-the-bottle in Carrick-on-Suir. (You wouldn’t know what you’d get.) Carrigaline is close to some very nice beaches, as well as Fountainstown. (Fountainstone, if you ask me.) It is just a short drive to Crosshaven. This is known as Crosser, because the locals get crosser and crosser when the sun comes out and their town is over-run by the lower orders. It is also home to the oldest yacht club in the world, the RCYC, which hosts regular competitions in sailing and name-dropping. “I was in the VIP room in Rachel Allen’s new restaurant when I got a phone-call from Ronan O’Gara asking if he could borrow my house in St. Tropez.”

‘That’s the gold medal sown up again Brian, you’re unstoppable in this form old stock’.

How’re oo goin on? Herself has fallen in with some loose women inside in Macroom, who are putting ideas into her head about trying new positions in the bedroom. The problem is I have a bad back. Do you have any suitable positions for that crack? - Seán Paidí Mike, Ballyvourney.

I’ll tell you what happened when my Conor got a bad back. I said you lie there, dead still, and I’ll head into Crane Lane and see if I can pull a hot foreigner. When I came home four days later, I was fluent in Italian. Well, I could say si, si, oh si, si!!

I just got an email sent out to all members of Douglas Lawn Tennis Club. Due to electoral boundary changes, the club is legally obliged to change its name. It seems as if I will shortly become a member of Mahon Lawn Tennis Club. I mean, they barely have lawns down there, let alone tennis. Is there anything I can do? - Sophie, Douglas.

Are you sure you’re still from Douglas? I’d have that checked if I were you. (I’d also check if the email was sent out on April 1st.) My Uncle Dave had a similar problem though. Like most people in Bishopstown, he suffers terribly from delusions of grandeur. (Imagine!) Anyway, an electoral boundary change in the 90s moved him into Cork North Central. Word got around and he was voted out of Monkstown Golf Club. He got it into his head he was a Norrie and nearly bought a Ford Capri. Anyway, the good news is I’m going to put a word in for you at Ballinlough Tennis Club. The bad news is that word is no. Sorry about that now girl. (Better get used to people calling you girl.)

Hello old stock. My other half, Miriam, read in the papers that American vice president, Mike Pence, won’t dine alone with any woman other than his wife. She is suggesting we follow his lead. This would be a disaster, and not just for hotels in Cork that will rent you a room by the hour. Unfortunately, Miriam tends to run out of dinner table conversation after half an hour, and I find myself staring at her inter-galactic chest just to stay awake. Is there anything I can do? - Reggie, Blackrock, I’m what you might call a lady’s man.

I’m what you might call after five gin and tonics to see if my husband is out. Don’t take that as an invitation. Couples do the most bizarre thing to keep their relationships alive.

My Conor was bugging me for years to try a threesome. I eventually said yes, on one condition. He said what’s that? I said that you’re not involved. He said he could never imagine me being pleasured by two strangers. I said there’s another thing we don’t have in common.

I’m thinking of hiring one of these Indoor Play Centres for my daughter’s birthday party. You know where the kids eat a bag of sugar and go mental in a padded room, while the mothers sit around and make bitchy comments about each other’s hair. Now, I’ve heard they rent these places out to Norries. Do you think it would be ok to give our room a wash-down with germ killer before we start? - Monica, Sunday’s Well, I could probably get my cleaning lady to do it for 20 quid, travel expenses not included.

Aren’t you very generous. I hear there is a new product called Norrie-Pel being sold to Yummy Mummies at Farmer’s Markets on the southside. It repels Norries and their germs.

My posh cousin forgot to put it on her Chloe before bringing her to one of these centres, and now she wants to take up baton twirling. Worse again, she has started calling my Posh Cousin ‘Mam.’ I’m skitting.