Ask Audrey: He got it into his head he was a Norrie and nearly bought a Ford Capri

Sorting out Cork people for ages.

Guten Tag. I am moving to Cork for work and see there are 800 new houses being built in Carrigaline. What are the pros and cons of buying in this town? -Jurgen, Dortmund, I speak excellent English, if that helps.

Not in Carrigaline. Only messing. So many people have moved there now, you’d forget it was once more dangerous than playing spin-the-bottle in Carrick-on-Suir. (You wouldn’t know what you’d get.) Carrigaline is close to some very nice beaches, as well as Fountainstown. (Fountainstone, if you ask me.) It is just a short drive to Crosshaven. This is known as Crosser, because the locals get crosser and crosser when the sun comes out and their town is over-run by the lower orders. It is also home to the oldest yacht club in the world, the RCYC, which hosts regular competitions in sailing and name-dropping. “I was in the VIP room in Rachel Allen’s new restaurant when I got a phone-call from Ronan O’Gara asking if he could borrow my house in St. Tropez.”