Ask Audrey: My wife is after getting a new job online, as a MILF

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How’re oo goin on? Herself had a few glasses of wine on Wednesday night and didn’t she log into one of them porn sites by mistake. Two things have happened as a result of this, one more shocking than the other. The first is we have started getting a lot of emails from a woman in Russia who can hardly see out over her boobs. The second is my wife is after signing up for a bit of work with one of these porn sites, where she has described herself as a milf. What is a man like myself to do in this situation? — Din Dan Dinny Dan, Dunmanway, what’s a milf?

Not something I could explain in a family newspaper. But if you’re wife is a milf, then I’m Melania Trump. I think your experience proves one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt, Din Dan Dinny Dan. It isn’t necessarily a good idea to give broadband to people in rural areas.

Hey, dude, now that you have direct flights to and from America, I’m like totally planning to open a Cork office for my software company. We have this app that detects illegal immigrants and like shouts ‘Hey man, get back to Mexico.’ We’re seeing some awesome sales for it right now in Washington and London. Would you guys like to work for me? — Josh, Boston, I’m single.

I’m not surprised. Let me put it this way, in terms of working for your company. I’d rather buy a bag of used underpants from a shop in Kilmallock. (Google ‘man from Kilmallock’ and you’ll see what I mean.) That said, you’ll have no problem attracting an army of 20 somethings to work for you. Just give them a free smartphone and a fridge full of doughnuts. My uncle has his own IT recruitment company on the South Mall (Posh weather.) He says the young crowd have the scruples of a contestant at the Conman of the Year Festival in Sneem.

Hello dear. I am having some trouble with my new neighbours. They are away a lot and their online shopping deliveries end up in my house. My grandson took one sniff of the latest package today and said it’s cannabis (he’s a drummer.) I’m afraid to drop it next door, in case I run into one of the other neighbours. I’d be the talk of the bridge club. What should I do? — Pauline, Monkstown, I’m well into my 90s.

I’m well into my Botox so people have trouble guessing my age. It’s like a new religion out here in Ballinlough. You are in an awkward situation alright. Walking down the street with a bag of cannabis is bound to get you noticed, except maybe in Galway. Here’s my advice: Keep the drugs for yourself; my guess is you’ll probably give up playing bridge.

I dropped my Sophie to school yesterday wearing gym gear I bought in TK Maxx. I know, I know, I’m an awful Mom. I usually only wear stuff I bought in Matthews, but just this once I was in a rush. Anyway, don’t ask how they knew, but the girls in Sophie’s class spotted my cut-price gear and started mocking her, saying we’re poor now and will have probably have to move to Turners Cross (Imagine!) How can I show them we’re still loaded? — Monica, Blackrock Road, I’d hate it if I actually had to move to Turners Cross.

So would the people in Turners Cross. I hear the school-drop is getting more competitive alright. My posh cousin said she could hardly hear herself think when she dropped her Sophie (do ye all have Sophies?) to school in Douglas. Apparently, all the Moms were roaring at each other in French to show they were in the Alps for mid-term. One of the Moms foolishly admitted she went to Bulgaria. The rest blocked her on Facebook, faster than you could say “my eldest two are in Scoil Mhuire” at a coffee morning for charity.

C’mere, what’s the story with the Dublin Airport Authority? They got every politician south of Horse and Jockey to campaign for those Norwegian flights from Cork. And then they announce 12 sly flights from Dublin, just to rub our noses in it. Worse again, they gave four flights to Shannon, which is basically Belgooly with a runway. How much more of this do we have to take down here in Cork? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I finish a lot of my sentences with ‘do you know that kind of way?’

Don’t we all, boy. If it’s any consolation the new flights aren’t exactly going to Boston. They’re going to Providence, Rhode Island, which is basically Belgooly with two runways. So it might still be an attractive proposition to drive to Shannon. As long as you wind up your window going through Charleville; the smell is like a cross between a dead horse and Essence de Dungarvan.