Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Fri, 27 Jan, 2017 - 00:00

Hi. I married an older guy for money and it’s about as exciting as a Wednesday night in Fermoy. The only thing that’s keeping me going is my husband’s son from his first marriage.

He’s the image of Ewan McGregor, before he lost his looks. (He’s 24, I’m 36.) I’ve tried walking around the house in my underwear, but he just keeps staring at his phone. What do you think I should do? — Martina, the right side of the Rochestown Road, I drive a white Range Rover.

I hope it’s worth it. I think it’s clear what you need to do. Send him a text saying: “I’ll be walking past you in my knickers in 10seconds. Please look up or I’ll get your father to write you out of the will.”

I happen to know that the fastest animal in the world is a Rochestown Road man who thinks he might miss out on his inheritance.

Any crack? I’d say ye’re fierce excited above in Cork now that Aidan O’Mahony has decided to hang up his boots for Kerry.

Ye could do with some good news, as the fella says. Do you think I should put a couple of bob on Cork to win a Munster Final in the next 10 years? — Ger Mick Pat, Kenmare, there’s an awful smell in my car.

Was it there before you got in? I feel sorry for poor Aidan, living so close to the Cork border in Rathmore. Five All-Ireland’s is no consolation when you live in Ireland’s version of East Berlin.

A couple of hundred metres in the right direction and he could have grown up in paradise. Well, Ballydesmond to be more precise, but these things are all relative. (Just like the people in Rathmore. I hear they’re all relatives as well.)

How’re oo goin on? Herself is after falling in with a pack of Gwyneth Paltrow fanatics back in Ballyvourney. Anyway, didn’t she come the other night and tell me she is going to follow the latest recommendation on Gwyneth’s website, and sleep with a jade egg in her vagina.

I’m only partially sure what that means. Is there anything I can do to stop her? — Dan Din Mary, keep going beyond Macroom until you meet a man trying to get Tinder to work on his phone.

I feel sorry for Gwyneth. She used to be number one when it came to Crazy Things Americans Say; but that title is gone, now that Orange Man is in the White House. I was going to recommend you sit down with your wife and tell her your feelings about the matter.

Then I took a look at your photo on Facebook. Put it this way, if I thought that sleeping with a jade egg in my vagina was a turn off for you, I’d probably buy two of them. (No offence.)

C’mere, what’s the story with roast potatoes? I saw a thing in the paper that the English government is after coming out and saying they’re bad for you now, like. Why don’t they just come out and ban Sunday altogether? — Dowcha Donie, I tried pasta once but it gave me a fit of the gawks.

The Food Safety Authority over there reckons that anything crispy or burned is bad news. They’re probably referring to my sister’s chicken soup. I’ve tried to show her a few recipes, but you might as well be trying to teach elocution above in Kilmallock.

Anyway, the authorities are saying now that you shouldn’t cook roast potatoes for more than 25 minutes. That’s the best way you can be sure of reaching a ripe old age. With any luck, you might find yourself sitting in a home wearing a nappy at the age of 125, thinking “I haven’t enjoyed a single meal in the last 53 years, like. What time is Nationwide?”

Bonjour. I am a Toulouse fan with plans to travel to Limerick for the Champions Cup match with Munster in April. What are the cultural highlights to look out when I am in the city? — Jean Pierre, Toulouse, my wife isn’t coming with me, if you know what I mean.

I do and I’ve already booked an appointment at the hairdressers. There are a few things that will strike you on a trip around Limerick. One of the locals, for starters. In terms of decent culture on Shannonside, I strongly recommend you bring a pot of yoghurt.

In fairness, one of the best things about Limerick is that it’s two hours from Killarney. Any closer and you might be tempted to take a day trip. As for the match, bon chance, and I hope we beat the pants off ye. Alternatively, you could just come down to Cork and I’ll beat the pants of you myself. (I’m usually in a bit of a rush in case my Conor comes home.)