Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re you goin on? Herself is after falling in with a pack of feminists above in Bandon and didn’t she come home the other night and announce she won’t be doing any more housework.

The upshot is I went out and hired a lady from Poland to come in and clean the house twice a week. The problem is she’s fierce sexy and I can’t stop looking at her while she’s scrubbing away around the place.

Would it look weird if I wore sunglasses during her visit, to hide the old eyes? -Mick Mike Mickey, keep going beyond Bandon until you come across a man with nose-hair down to his knees.

I had a similar experience here. My Conor hired an Estonian woman who looked like Scarlett Johansson. I retaliated with a handyman who looked like Ryan Gosling.

We waited for something to happen. It did. Our cleaner married our handyman. They asked my Conor to be their best man.

Good looking people have an awful cheek.

C’mere, I seen a thing in the paper the other day where the crowd up in Dublin have plans to make Limerick into the second city? Like, seriously? -Donie Tanora Atlantic Pond Shaky Bridge’ O’Sullivan, Blackpool, I’ve never been to Galway.

Lucky Boy. My posh cousin’s husband works as a consultant in the orthopaedic department of C.U.H. (She might as well have it tattooed on her forehead.) He told me since that Limerick story ran, they had 25,473 patients who put out their back with all the laughing. I said that’s awful.

He said at least it wasn’t Waterford, they’d never have been able to cope. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over this story, as it would involve a hundred thousand people moving to Limerick of their own free will.

That’s about as likely as meeting a man in Killorglin who can read without moving his lips.

I’m just back from a ‘because we’re worth it weekend’ with my girlfriends in London. We’re all from the right side of the Rochestown Road, so it wasn’t long before we started boasting about our salaries.

Anyway, it turns out that Fiona earns more than me and she still swears that Cuba is the capital of South America. What can I do? -Chloe, our gardener speaks three languages.

My gardener only ever says, “Please stop staring at me from the bedroom window”. (He’s like Matthew McConaughey with knobs on.) Please say you’re not revealing what you actually earn.

Anyone who doesn’t inflate their salary by 70 grand has no business living on the Rochestown Road.

Try moving to Kinsale in that case. There’s much more of a hippy vibe there, so people tend to under-state their earnings when they’re not trying to get off with your wife. Or talking to someone from the Revenue, says you.

Top of the begorrah to ya. I’m a thinking of moving to the old country now that Donald O’Donkey Clown has his hands on the nuclear codes. My people are originally from outside Clonmel in the grand old county of Tipperary. Is it safe there? -Paddy Mick O’Crotty III Jnr, Chicago, do you still have little people?

No, just people we look down on. In the southside we call them Norries. You’ll be grand in Tipperary, particularly if you like talking about silage.

Did you know that West Cork is actually considered one of the safest places in Europe in the case of a nuclear holocaust? As long as you don’t mind living next door to a holistic retreat centre where they practise laughter therapy three mornings a week. I’d rather get Donald Trump in a game of spin the bottle. But I suppose it takes all sorts.

Hi, like. I’ve a new boyfriend that I met in college. He’s nice enough really, considering he’s from Killarney. He has suggested some role play, where he puts on a Kerry jersey and I call him The Gooch? Is that like normal now or what? -Sinead, Glasheen, I’d prefer if he said Kieran Donaghy to be honest.

I hear you. I have only one rule in life. Never kiss a Kerry man with less than three All-Ireland medals, or a jarvey license for the Gap of Dunloe. (Loaded.)

Don’t worry whether sex is normal or not. A lot of prudish people say there is no place for sex toys in the bedroom. I say, tell me about it, I’m going to have start moving some of them up to the attic. They say that sounds revolting.

I say it’s not so bad since we got one of those pull-down stairs, you’d be up and down in no time. They always blush when I say ‘up and down.’ Honestly, these people need to get out more often.