Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re oo goin’ on? I’m going up to Cork next weekend to get two new pairs of slacks. Joan in the post office told me it’s the jazz weekend and that I should go and see some gigs. I normally like the Country and Irish stuff they play on C103. Would you say I’d like the old jazz? Eddie Mickey Mike, head west out of Bantry until you see a man eating out of his hat.

I turned on C103 there to see what you mean. There was a fella singing that he missed his home in sweet old Sligo. Where is he living that he misses Sligo? The Gobi Dessert? Or Charleville?

The bad news, to answer your question, is that you probably won’t like jazz. The good news is there isn’t that much of it at the jazz festival.

Unless you include four fellas in straw hats roaring out ‘Mustang Sally’ in a crowded pub. No one said it was New Orleans.

My daughter married a do-gooder and they can only afford a house in Turners Cross. Worse again, they are planning to send my grandchildren to a local school. There’ll probably be bus drivers’ children there and everything. Is there anything I can do? Deirdre, Model Farm Road, what’s wrong with Mount Mercy?

Don’t get me started. My posh aunt in Sunday’s Well had a similar problem when her daughter married a poet. His prospects were worse than your chances of finding a clean toilet in Tramore. My aunt begged them to let her pay for her grandson’s education in Christians, but Shakespeare wasn’t having any of it.

He said nothing could change his mind. My aunt said not even a Volvo? He wrote a poem in reply — ‘My mother-in-law is from Sunday’s Well, I’ve a new Volvo, ye can all go to hell.’ He reckons he would have won the Nobel Prize for Literature if it wasn’t for Bob Dylan.

Hey man. My internet startup has this really cool app that allows you to instant message poor people and tell them that they suck. I’m opening new offices in Ireland and was wondering should I choose Dublin or Cork? Karll with two Ls, San Francisco, just because I smile all the time doesn’t mean I’m happy.

I’ve a grandaunt like that. She’s suing her dentist. You won’t be able to find any staff to work in Dublin.

The only place for rent in the entire city is the back of a 1997 Opel Astra, at 14 grand a month.

The Government brought in a help-to-buy scheme in the budget, which has since been renamed Help-Developers-To-Put-Their-Kids-Through-College. The upshot is your staff will have to live in Co Meath.

That’s like Alcatraz, but without the views. By all means brings your offices to Cork, but please don’t move here yourself. I’d be allergic, with two Ls.

In the taxi home from the restaurant the other night, I was explaining to the driver that spending 400 quid on a meal is nothing to us, particularly after Ken’s promotion. He said he would never spend that on ‘grub’, because he’s saving up to go skiing! Norries on skis! Is nothing safe from these people? Where else can I go this winter to show that we’re loaded? Orla, Douglas Road, you should see my new boobs.

I heard half the restaurant did on Saturday night — your dress is the talk of Ballinlough. Google told me the most popular search term in posh Cork this winter is ‘Norrie-proof ski resorts.’ St Moritz is very expensive and popular with rich Russians. Let’s just say your new boobs might look like something you got in Dealz. My posh cousin was there last year.

She said the Russians were such social climbers, she thought they must have been from Glanmire.

Ciao. I am planning a trip to Cork next month because why shouldn’t your ladies get a piece of Pietro? Is this a good time to come to town? Will everything be open? Pietro, Milan, I am looking at myself in the mirror.

You bring a new meaning to the word septic. My guess is nothing will be open by the time you get here. It seems like the whole country is going on strike.

The guards and the teachers have already booked time off next month, presumably so they can meet up in Rearden’s for a shift. They’ve always been very close.

I would go on strike myself, but I need the money to pay legal fees because I’ve been sued again by the town of Kanturk. (I was only messing!)