At least we have one thing in common. I heard alright that London wants us to stop dangerous fundamentalists from getting into Britain. So if Boris Johnson ever pays a visit, we’ll stop him from going home. Howzat? I have some bad news if you think you can stop Ireland being used as a back door by the great unwashed. They are already here. To see for yourself, I suggest a weekend in Waterford. Actually, seeing as you are such a big fan of masochism, why not make it a week. Cheerio.
I remember your first one. It was visible from Macroom. I checked with my Polish friend at spinning. (Skinny old cow. Hate her guts.) She said that it’s considered vulgar to boast about going to private school in Warsaw. I said it’s considered vulgar here too but it beats people thinking that you went to St Al’s. She said what’s St Al’s. I said a sign that your father wasn’t a doctor or high up in insurance. She said Cork people are terrible snobs. I said that’s unfair, we’re actually brilliant at it.
A foody is someone who thinks they are better than you. Their favourite phrases include ‘we brought it back from Provence’ or ‘I can’t believe you don’t like anchovies.’ If you want to see foodies in action, head for the Farmers’ Market at Mahon Point every Thursday. There’s no shortage of posh Cork women ogling the hot culchie guys selling foraged mushrooms. I’m actually banned from there after I asked one of the young farmers to show me his mango. That’s the other thing about foodies — they have no sense of humour.
You won’t be saying that after you visit Clonmel. I’m amazed that Americans are scared by clowns.
Deranged people with crazy hair. I thought you’d be used to that with Donald Trump. It’s unusual to see people in hilarious outfits and bad makeup here in Ireland; unless of course you stand watching the locals come out of mass in Kanturk.
I must say, I have no objection to being chased around the place by someone in fancy dress. Particularly if I’m after a bottle of Chablis and it’s my Conor in a Batman suit. The things we get up to here on a Thursday night. You wouldn’t see it in Kinsale.
That would have been the Glen Rovers fans. They probably didn’t go to the same elocution teacher as yourself. A lot of the Erins Own fans parked down by my place. Our road still smells vaguely of Glounthaune, you know, that weird mix of manure and money.
My father was right, he always said they were Norries with notions. Anyway, here’s my solution to all the needless spectator traffic around Cork.
The GAA and Munster Rugby should swap Pairc Ui Rinn and Musgrave Park. There’s just no need to be sending awful nobs like yourself all the way over to Ballyphehane.