Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Got an issue? Ask Audrey.

Good day Madam. I am a civil servant, quite high up in the Department for Getting Rid of Foreigners, here in London. I am writing to inform you Paddys that you must do British passport control at Cork airport. Do you think you are up to it? — Gerard, I’m rather fond of spanking.

At least we have one thing in common. I heard alright that London wants us to stop dangerous fundamentalists from getting into Britain. So if Boris Johnson ever pays a visit, we’ll stop him from going home. Howzat? I have some bad news if you think you can stop Ireland being used as a back door by the great unwashed. They are already here. To see for yourself, I suggest a weekend in Waterford. Actually, seeing as you are such a big fan of masochism, why not make it a week. Cheerio.

My daughter has been invited to a birthday party at school. The problem is the parents of the girl having the party are from Warsaw. This is obviously a disaster for me because I have no way of judging them based on the school they attended. Do you know if there is a Pres, Christians or Scoil Mhuire in Warsaw? — Kate, Douglas Road, I’m on my third bum.

I remember your first one. It was visible from Macroom. I checked with my Polish friend at spinning. (Skinny old cow. Hate her guts.) She said that it’s considered vulgar to boast about going to private school in Warsaw. I said it’s considered vulgar here too but it beats people thinking that you went to St Al’s. She said what’s St Al’s. I said a sign that your father wasn’t a doctor or high up in insurance. She said Cork people are terrible snobs. I said that’s unfair, we’re actually brilliant at it.

How’re oo goin’ on? Herself is after doing a business development course in Bandon and has decided we should start making cheese. She has formed a company and who else do you think is vice president of research only my good self? So my question to you is, what is a foody? — Dick Mike Mary, keep going beyond Crookstown until you see a man with someone else’s false teeth.

A foody is someone who thinks they are better than you. Their favourite phrases include ‘we brought it back from Provence’ or ‘I can’t believe you don’t like anchovies.’ If you want to see foodies in action, head for the Farmers’ Market at Mahon Point every Thursday. There’s no shortage of posh Cork women ogling the hot culchie guys selling foraged mushrooms. I’m actually banned from there after I asked one of the young farmers to show me his mango. That’s the other thing about foodies — they have no sense of humour.

Hey lady. I’m just kind of totally touring around Ireland right now. I’ve heard reports of clowns chasing people around the place. It scares me. What’s going on? — Lena, San Francisco, your different accents are so cute.

You won’t be saying that after you visit Clonmel. I’m amazed that Americans are scared by clowns.

Deranged people with crazy hair. I thought you’d be used to that with Donald Trump. It’s unusual to see people in hilarious outfits and bad makeup here in Ireland; unless of course you stand watching the locals come out of mass in Kanturk.

I must say, I have no objection to being chased around the place by someone in fancy dress. Particularly if I’m after a bottle of Chablis and it’s my Conor in a Batman suit. The things we get up to here on a Thursday night. You wouldn’t see it in Kinsale.

Hello old stock. All these matches in Pairc Uí Rinn are attracting people who have no business in Blackrock or Ballintemple. Is there any chance we could move the GAA grounds somewhere else? — Reggie, Ballintemple, half the crowd last Sunday couldn’t even speak English.

That would have been the Glen Rovers fans. They probably didn’t go to the same elocution teacher as yourself. A lot of the Erins Own fans parked down by my place. Our road still smells vaguely of Glounthaune, you know, that weird mix of manure and money.

My father was right, he always said they were Norries with notions. Anyway, here’s my solution to all the needless spectator traffic around Cork.

The GAA and Munster Rugby should swap Pairc Ui Rinn and Musgrave Park. There’s just no need to be sending awful nobs like yourself all the way over to Ballyphehane.