Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

Got an issue? Ask Audrey...

Ciao. I was looking at an interview on your RTÉ during the week, where they talked to some girl called Michaella who is on holidays in Peru. I couldn’t make out what happened, but it seems like everyone hates her because she dyed her hair blonde. And yet I am strangely attracted to this Michaella. What is going on? — Luca, Milan and Bishopstown.

You’re Italian, Luca. You are strangely attracted to all women. But there is something more powerful at play here. And that’s Michaella’s voice. It is impossible to resist someone with a Northern Ireland accent. As I repeatedly said to my Conor, after I arrived back from a hen party in Belfast with a weird collection of love bites. He was furious at first but then suggested a spot of make-up sex. I said grand as long as you talk like Jamie Dornan. Such a pity that he doesn’t look like him.

Come here I want ya. The Cork hurling and football teams are completely doing me head in. I’ve decided to start following Cork City in the soccer, because they are looking good. Can you find anyone who will swap me a City jersey for a GAA one? — Livid Liam, The Glen.

I’d be glad to make the swap. I bought a new City jersey in March and decided to start following them around the country. That plan lasted until the trip to Dundalk. Let’s just say it makes Carrigaline look like Monte Carlo. Someone on the bus said they are already looking forward to the Finn Harps trip in July. I looked it up on the map. They’re half way to the North Pole! So it’s GAA all the way for me this summer. Sure Killarney and Thurles are grand really, as long as you breathe through your mouth.

I see in my Examiner this week that a house in Ballinlough sold for over €1m. And there was I thinking it was just a place for teachers who made a little extra by giving grinds. Anyway, I’d hate to get stuck here among also-rans in Blackrock if all the smart and stylish people are heading to Ballinlough. Do you think I should make the move? — Karen, Blackock, I’ve just spent a fortune on some orchids.

Is there any chance you could try the Model Farm Road? It’s just that I live in Ballinlough and I don’t think we can fit any more 2016 Range Rovers. Or semi-hysterical nob ends like yourself. (No offence.) A source tells me that a lot of people are looking to get out of Blackrock over the summer. They are swamped with newbie joggers every night. The crowds aren’t the problem as much as the fact that they are all wearing cheap lycra from Lidl. It doesn’t take much to lower the tone in Blackrock.

Like totes, hey there. I moved to Cork from Dublin (Killiney) last week for work. Things are pretty good except I don’t get the pedestrian lights in your city. Back in Dublin, the green man means you can go. It seems to be the opposite here. Can you, like, explain-arino what’s going on? — Kim, oh ya, and why is everyone calling me girl?

I’d say they know better than to call you a lady. I see why you might be confused though. Here’s the problem. Cork people are automatically attracted to a red man. It comes from years of adoring Roy Keane, Ronan O’Gara and the hurlers (before they turned into the new Carlow.) Of course, you probably see more jay-walking than most. Along with the red man, the other thing that makes us bolt across the road is to escape a daft cow from Killiney who thinks she’s it. (No offence.)

Hello old stock. I have this friend who crops up on the list of people with offshore companies that was leaked during the week. He tells me it was a misunderstanding. He told his accountant that he’d like to invest in property on Pana. The accountant thought he said Panama and every one ignored my friend in the bar of a certain, well known golf club on Wednesday. Could you recommend a good solicitor, for my friend? — Roger, not my real name, to protect my friend.

Is that you Deccie? I heard you are on the list alright. I know it isn’t your friend. Because we all know you haven’t got one. Never mind a solicitor. Just give an interview to RTÉ saying sorry and that you’re a changed person now. It works a treat every time!

Cork people are automatically attracted to a red man. It comes from years of adoring Roy Keane, Ronan O’Gara and the hurlers