Sex advice with Suzi Godson: I think my girlfriend fakes her orgasms

I have finally met a woman who ticks all the boxes.

She is smart, funny, and beautiful, but I suspect that she fakes her orgasms because her climax is too perfectly timed and the noises she makes are not particularly convincing. I feel really awkward asking her if she is faking, but it’s just as awkward pretending that I have not noticed.

The “fake” female orgasm is a phenomenon that has generated a great deal of anxiety, hype, and speculation. In a recent study, catchily titled Faking Orgasm Scale for Women (FOS), the psychologist Erin Cooper asked women aged between 18 and 31 about their motivations for faking orgasm during sexual intercourse and oral sex.

The results showed that women faked orgasm during sexual intercourse for four reasons: Altruistic deceit (concern for a partner’s feelings); insecure avoidance (faking orgasm to avoid feelings of insecurity); elevated arousal (an attempt to increase their own arousal); and sexual adjournment (basically, to end sex). When the scale was applied to oral sex, the results were roughly similar. However, the “sexual adjournment” motive was replaced by “fear of dysfunction” (faking orgasm to cope with concerns about being abnormal).

Studies have found that there is a disconnect between the ways in which men and women perceive each other’s sexual needs. In a recent one, men said that they wished women would ask for, and engage in, clitoral stimulation during intercourse because it was a turn on and an opportunity to find out what their partner enjoyed. Women in the same study said that they would not request clitoral stimulation, or engage in self-stimulation during intercourse because they were afraid that their partner would feel incompetent, or would judge them.

Women in the study also expressed the view that female orgasm was more important for the male ego than it was for female satisfaction. They were correct. The most common male concern about absence of orgasm related to their own sexual performance rather than an absence of pleasure for their partner.

So there you have it. Faking is caused by confusion, lack of confidence, inadequate stimulation, and poor communication. It is a device women use to massage the male ego, to protect themselves from humiliation and to conform to misguided norms about sexual function. It is a response men don’t understand and are scared of challenging. Knowing that your girlfriend fakes orgasm to protect her sense of self, or yours, is not much comfort I know, but at least when you discuss it with her, you will be doing so armed with insight and understanding.

She may feel embarrassed and ashamed. She may even deny that she is faking it, but don’t give up. Tell her that you love her and that she can trust you, because no woman really wants to fake her orgasm.

It won’t be an easy conversation to start. There will, inevitably, be awkwardness for both of you, but there will also be an opportunity for authenticity. For honesty. For a fresh start. You will have to take sex right back to basics while she learns to trust you, and you learn some patience, perhaps.

Take this time to learn what she likes. If she is anxious, it will impede her capacity to tune in to her own sexual response patterns so you should offer constant reassurance.

Some couples try using a blindfold, which is a good way of screening out distraction and overcoming self-consciousness.

A final tip — she may never have a penetrative orgasm (research has suggested that a third of women never do), but positions that increase friction between her pubic bone and her clitoris will maximise that possibility.

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