Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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C’mere, I read in the paper that house prices in Cork city went up 20% last year. I’m half thinking of selling up here in Turners Cross and moving to a bigger place in the country. Does that sound like a good idea? — Noelie, I spent an afternoon in Kanturk once and it took me a while to get over it.

It depends what you mean by the country. Kinsale is grand for seafood and wife-swapping, but the house prices are even crazier than in the city. I hear great things about east Cork. Mainly from people who live in east Cork and are trying to sell me their house so they can move into town. It terms of bang for your buck, you’d probably get a much bigger house for your money in rural areas of north Cork. This is a great option if you don’t mind learning a new language. Not to mention living dangerously close to Tipperary.

I’m in a boutique resort in the Alps on our annual ski-break. Don’t ask me how he found out about it, but there is a plumber called Mossie wandering around in what I’m told is a Glen Rovers jersey. He keeps shouting “how are ya boy?” at me across the slopes. You’d swear we have something in common. Any advice on how I might rescue our holiday? — Hugo, Sunday’s Well, I’ve never even watched a GAA match on our €4,500 TV.

I strongly recommend you read my book, An Idiot’s Guide to Shaking off a Norrie. (It would be spot-on because you strike me as an idiot.) It’s got some great tips in there, such as wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I’m not looking for any recipes that include bodice.’ You could always turn to the last chapter. It’s called ‘Nuclear Option — Pretend You’re from Limerick.’ Personally, I don’t think it’s ever worth it.

How’re oo going on? The missus told me that if I didn’t go off the booze for the new year, there would be precious little action in the bedroom department, and it’s freezing outside. Now that I’m off the porter, I find I’m not so attracted to herself, given that she’d remind a fella of an old sow we had on the farm long go. Is there anything that I can do to rekindle my urges? — Tim Pat Pauline, head north from Dunmanway until you lose mobile phone reception.

You must be one of the few people from West Cork who isn’t turned on by farm animals. Have you considered pornography? Watching it, that is, not making it. I know there are all kinds of fetishes out there. But I doubt that anyone has ever googled ‘man from outside Dunmanway getting it on with his missus.’ Not even the internet is that weird.

Ciao. I just booked a romantic trip to Cork with one of my many girlfriends this weekend. What should I bring? — Marco, Milan, trust me when I say that I’ll be looking at your women.

I’d recommend you bring a canoe. The way things are going here at the moment, Cork will soon make Venice look like the Gobi Desert. Let me know where you are going to dinner and I’ll come and sit at the next table in a short skirt. (I know people say you shouldn’t encourage a sex pest. But my Conor has taken up Mindfulness for the new year and is so taken up with himself that he has stopped noticing that I’m not bad looking for a 43-year-old.) I presume your girlfriend won’t mind me making eyes at you. We all know there is nothing calmer and more level-headed than an Italian woman with a grudge. Or is that Norwegians?

I didn’t buy a new car in the first week of January because I don’t want people to think that I’m from Ballincollig. (Some people just can’t handle money.) Anyway, my new BMW arrives next week and I’m wondering is it okay to set off the car-alarm a few times so my neighbours will come out and see it? — Lucy, Ballinlough, but we’re planning a move to the Blackrock Road.

There’s no need Lucy. I live in Ballinlough and I can guarantee most of your neighbours will already be out admiring their own 161-C cars and making it clear they know the annual fees for Pres and Christians. We’re so classy. I can think of only one thing that could make the area classier. And that’s if you moved out. Let me know if there’s some kind of fund where I can contribute and help you on your way to Blackrock.