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I think I am after having sex with a norrie. The last thing I remember about last night was a guy called Tony telling me that he buys his shoes in Aldi. He’s lying next to me in the bed now in a strange house. (Is wallpaper back in or something?) How will I know if I’m on the northside? — Sadie Harrington, Douglas, have another Mojito they said, you’ll be grand they said.

Wake up Tony there and ask him what he calls his mother. If he says Mam, then it’s odds-on that you are deep in the heart of norrie land. If he lives with said Mam, I strongly recommend you jump out the window. The last thing you need on New Year’s Day is Mam asking if you are anything to the Harringtons in Blackpool. (As if.) The trick now is to get home safely. Don’t use a northside taxi firm — your night of shame will be around Douglas faster than you can say “sure nobody will have her after this.”