Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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Hello old stock. We’re having a great summer here in Crookhaven, despite the Supreme Court ruling that we can’t stop people coming into the village just because they don’t own a new Range Rover. The only problem is the weather. The fog was so low the other day that I lost my gin and tonic. Is there any hope at all for August? — Reggie, Crosshaven and Crookhaven.

My main hope is that you’ll stay below in Crookhaven Reggie, so I don’t have to bump in to you around Cork. I’ve looked across all the weather websites. They all say we are looking at 16C and dreary, even the dodgy-looking sites which suggest I might like to meet a young Russian lady in my area. It looks like the only hope is to take a sunshine flight out of Cork Airport. Of course that mightn’t be an option for you Reggie, because they let all sorts fly these days. You might end up sitting next to a plumber. Imagine!

How’re u goin’ on? I’m planning a trip up from Killorglin to Cork city with the missus this weekend, we might have sex and all if I can stay awake. Where would be a good place for a Kerryman to gloat about Gaelic football and all that crack? –– Dan Paddy Andy, Killorglin.

Maybe stop off in Macroom on the way up. I read somewhere once that the locals there are just Kerry men with shoes. Bit a vom just came up in my mouth there by the way, at the thought of you and the missus getting jiggy with it in some hotel. It’s bad enough that Kerry people insist on breeding. But the thought of them actually doing it on Leeside is enough to push me over the edge. When you finally manage to drag yourself out of bed, you’ll find loads of cultural events around Cork. And by culture, we don’t mean putting a goat up on a piece of scaffolding and drinking your head off for three days. Or as you probably call it, Puck Fair.

Guten Tag. I am visiting UCC next week for a conference and would like to spend some time in Galway. Can you let me know how often the train runs between the two cities? –– Oliver, Munich.

I think the last one was in 1953. There should be another one along any minute, according to politicians in the run-up to the next election. Sorry, Oliver, the Irish rail system is designed on the basis that everyone wants to go to Dublin. (That’s a small city on the east coast that has been overrun by hipsters.) You could go to Galway via Portarlington, but that could go badly wrong if you suffered any delays. Seriously, you have no idea how small a book can be until you pick up a copy of Things to Do in Portarlington. Your best bet is a three-hour bus journey to Galway. Unless you end up next to a woman who can’t stop talking about how her eldest fella Jerry is going great guns on the sites out in Dubai. That three hours could end up feeling like three days.

Hey there. I am moving from California to Cork, starting work there in September. I’ve been told that people on the northside, they’re called the Norries or something, are like really cool and I should live there. Do you think that’s a good idea? –– Ken, San Diego

As ideas go Ken, it’s up there with a knife-throwing competition on board a hot-aired balloon. The Norries will tell you they are the real Cork people. Not that you’ll be able to understand them. You’ll spend most of your time saying, “Sorry man, could you like repeat that, all I heard there was that Donie got a fit of the gawks.” The southside is good if you don’t mind being asked 40 times a day where you went to school. (We like to know if we should look down on you or ask for a loan.) Your best bet is West Cork. They are well used to naive airheads like yourself moving in to the area. No offence, obviously.

Ciao. I am living in Cork for the past year. There is this girl at work, Nikki, she always says very kind things to me and smiles when I am around? I am not familiar with Irish women. Does this mean Nikki likes me? — Pepe, Milan and Magazine Road

I’m afraid not Pepe. Irish people signal interest in each other by a form of conversation called slagging. Slagging has been designated as a form of cruel and unusual torture by the UN, but we still carry on with it here as we can’t think of anything else. I appreciate this must be particularly hard for an Italian man like yourself, as ye like to profess undying love to a girl, while also trying to get off with her sister. Sorry about that now.

It’s bad enough that Kerry people insist on breeding. But the thought of them actually doing it on Leeside is enough to push me over the edge