Sex File: I feel more like his therapist than his wife

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My husband recently lost his job, making his long-term struggle with his mental health even harder. I have always tried to understand his battle with depression, but his mood affects our sex life and intimacy. I feel more like his therapist than his wife. How can I turn things around?

It is very hard to be sexually attracted to someone who is battling depression, because good sex demands equity. Partners need to be able to give, receive and respond. That's difficult when one is so depressed that they can't take care of themselves, let alone focus on the possibility that their partner might have needs too.

Research also suggests that between 50 and 70% of people with depression experience some form of sexual dysfunction - most notably, low sex drive - and although treatment can improve things, one of the most common side-effects of antidepressants is sexual dysfunction.

With everything else that is going on, sex is probably fairly low on your list of priorities, but it is important to maintain some form of physical connection while you wait for your husband to get better. Touch has enormous benefits for mental health and wellbeing, and it will help both of you to get through this difficult period.

Research conducted at Ruhr University Bochum in Germany in 2024 confirmed the beneficial relationship between touch and mental health and found that the more mentally unwell a person is, the larger the positive impact is. Specifically, touch is effective at reducing pain, depression and anxiety and touching a person's face or head had a stronger effect than, for example, touching their arm. That makes sense to me. 

Receiving a head massage or having your hair brushed by someone else is deeply relaxing, and because it is definitely non-sexual, it demands nothing more of you than that you enjoy the experience.

The situation you are in is incredibly difficult. It can take up to a year for clinical depression to resolve, so rather than thinking about what more you can do to support your husband, you should also be thinking about what more you could be doing to support yourself.

Right now, you are holding it together emotionally, domestically and financially, and that's not really sustainable in the long term. When you love someone who is unwell, it can feel like a betrayal to ask for help for yourself, but it's not. Your husband is getting the professional help that he needs so it is crucial that you make time for yourself, to exercise, to have space, to work from a library or a cafe, to see friends and to offload some of the enormous stress that you are carrying.

You also have sexual needs, and a vibrator will help you during this difficult time. Numerous studies have shown that this helps women to regulate stress levels, feel calmer and sleep better. It is self-care. 

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