Expert tips deal with toddler meltdowns — and how to prevent them

Full-blown tantrums are part and parcel of every child’s development. Learning the reasons why, and the best ways to meet your little ones at their level can help

Kathryn Thomas and Mikey Byrne at the launch for ‘Barnardos — A Big Toddle for a Big Cause’. The Big Toddle is a half mile sponsored walk for pre-school aged children that provides vital funds that supports Barnardos early years services.

Kathryn Thomas has vivid memories of a young cousin having a meltdown in a water park while on holiday in Canada — and of how her dad responded.

“She had an absolute kick-the-legs, lie-on-the-ground-screaming, bash-her-feet-off-the-ground tantrum,” Thomas says. “She was inconsolable. My dad just sat back on the bench, watched the world go by — didn’t let it bother him.

“I must have been 12 and I was like ‘dad! Is she ok? Dad, do something!’ And he said ‘no, she just needs to have a bit of an outcry and realise that’s not the way to get attention from anyone’.

“I’m not a parenting expert so I don’t know if it was the best or worst thing to do… After a while she crawled up to him and he gave her a hug.”

TV personality Thomas says her dad’s response helped her not to feel embarrassed if Ellie, eight, or Grace, four, had a meltdown in public.

“Kids are going to be kids,” she says philosophically.

That’s not to say she didn’t find toddler meltdowns frustrating and often bewildering: “It was the ferocity of them — their little faces, their whole body shaking. They’d just explode in the blink of an eye and you’re trying to figure out what caused it. Did they hurt themselves? Or will they hurt themselves in the middle of this?”

When a meltdown erupted, Thomas generally got down to their level: “I’d sit on the floor, meet them at their level, rather than towering over them. Lots of people have seen me sitting on the [supermarket] floor or on the edge of the footpath!”

She never immediately tried to pick up her child and give them a hug: “I’d always give them a moment — and then go in for the hug. That worked for us.”

Barnardos early years expert Clodagh Carroll has over 20 years’ experience working with vulnerable children, families, and parents across Ireland and Australia. She says toddler meltdowns are real — and can feel intense and overwhelming for parents.

Barnardos early years expert Clodagh Carroll

“Meltdowns can feel like they’re on repeat.” she says.

“They can start over something so small, escalating quickly. They can happen anywhere, at any time of day or night! And they can happen at particular times, like when they return to you after a day of ‘being fine’ all day in childcare.”

Carroll’s number one recommendation for managing meltdowns is to correctly frame them. The key is to try to stay calm so you can respond rather than react — and a pre-requisite is seeing meltdowns for what they really are: A normal part of child development.

“If we look at it as ‘bad behaviour’, or a child ‘trying to get their own way’, we’ll find it very difficult to get past the behaviours,” she says.

“The child is literally in meltdown — it’s their way of expressing and processing an emotion that they’re still too young to understand. Remember: They’re small — and their feelings are big.”

She says parents, seeing meltdowns as ‘bad behaviour’, can fall into the trap of trying to teach the child a lesson, discipline them, or change their behaviour mid-meltdown.

“Parents feel ‘I can’t let them have their own way, I can’t reward this — therefore I need to give out to them’.” But there’s simply no point, says Carroll. “The child’s in full meltdown — they’re literally in short circuit. They can’t hear you, can’t take instruction.”

Child psychotherapist Denise Enright

Denise Enright's tips for managing toddler meltdowns:

Regulate yourself — to help your child regulate.

“Your child learns about feelings from your response,” says Carroll, who recommends parents take a moment outside the room — once their child is safe — to take a breath and bring their heart rate down.

“So you can respond, not react. And be kind to yourself, a meltdown is intense and really hard when you’re over-stimulated and tired. Say ‘I’m doing the best I can here.”

By bringing parental calm and a regulated self, the child feels it, and learns it’s OK to feel what they’re feeling: “Their body will sync with the adult’s regulated self — together they co-regulate.”

Sit with the meltdown.

“Quietly sit beside your child, thereby bringing calm. At some point, it’s helpful to say ‘I’m here when you’re ready’. You’re teaching your child emotions are ok, and this is a safe place to have those emotions,” says Carroll.

Be a calm presence — even when the child kicks, screams, and rolls around on the floor: “Your job is to make them physically safe so they won’t hurt themselves.”

Name the feeling you see your child is experiencing.

“For example: ‘I can see that you’re feeling angry. I know you wanted that toy’,” explains Carroll.

In naming the feeling, you are helping your child learn over time what this feels like in their body: “And you’re connecting in with them — they’re not misunderstood in this situation, you understand them.”

Acknowledge the feeling but hold the boundary.

Enright says if they aren’t too escalated, use a two-step formula to validate them: Hear the request, then name the feeling: ‘I hear you really want those sweets, and you feel so disappointed we can’t get them today. It’s ok to feel disappointed.’

This way the feeling isn’t dismissed: “Once acknowledged, move away from the situation — or gently distract to help support their soothing.”

Remember you can support a child in meltdown without saying yes to what provoked the outburst.

“The only way to build tolerance to big emotions is to experience them. Rather than always saying yes, allow your toddler to experience a boundary with your support — rather than punishing them. This gradually expands their emotional resilience,” says Enright.

Reconnect with your child post-meltdown.

“This is the repair,” says Carroll. “A meltdown is distressing for everyone. Reconnecting tells the child ‘we’re ok here, we got through this together’.”

She says some children — post-outburst — will walk into a parent’s arms for a hug: “Others will start playing — they’re ready to move on. Reconnect with a rub on the back, a kiss on the head.”

Gradually build awareness over time by gently coming back to an incident.

Enright gives an example: ‘Remember in the shop earlier? You felt so frustrated when we couldn’t get the sweets. That can be hard.’

This prepares the way for “proactive pre-conversations” before you walk into the shop: “So your toddler knows what to expect — ‘we’re buying bread and milk today, we’re not getting anything else’.”

Playfulness helps.

Toddlers’ brains are biologically primed for curiosity, connection, and play, says Enright.

“You hit resistance leaving the playground — shift your tone to something playful,” she says.

“Acknowledge the feeling first, then turn the transition into a game – ‘you’re so sad to leave the park. Let’s race to the car like cheetahs’.”

This acknowledges their feelings of sadness — and supports their emotional literacy and understanding over time: “And you’re using playfulness to soothe them and help their brain transition to the next task.”

Prevention is useful!

Carroll says lots of physical activity — swinging, climbing, crawling — can keep children’s bodies regulated, often avoiding meltdowns when something goes wrong for them and big feelings come.

In public, and where possible and safe, she recommends letting your child carry heavy items: “In the supermarket, pulling the potatoes, carrying a melon, pushing the trolley. This can help keep their body regulated.”

This summer, more than 20,000 young children countywide are coming together to support Barnardos Big Toddle. Sign up for your toddler at home: barnardos.ie/barnardosbigtoddle. All funds raised directly support Barnardos’ early years services, ensuring vulnerable children get the best possible start in life