Sex File: Why does my husband hate sober sex? 

'The fact that your husband hates it so much already suggests that he is more dependent on alcohol than you are and/or that he uses it as a way to feel less sexually inhibited.' Picture: iStock 

My husband and I are doing Dry January and potentially the months beyond. I always thought a drink got me more in the mood but I'm surprising myself by how much I'm enjoying being properly 'present'. However, he hates it, even though he's lasting longer. How can I encourage him?

Having a few drinks has been integral to human celebration since our knuckle-walking ancestors discovered that rotting fruits ferment into ethanol. Even so, it is virtually impossible for many of us to crawl away from the festive excess without concluding that Dry January is a must.

Unless you are very dependent on alcohol giving up booze for a month should be doable, if difficult. In my experience the first week is a doddle. The second is a bit dull. The third week is a drag, and the fourth bearable only because the end is in sight. The fact that your husband hates it so much already suggests that he is more dependent on alcohol than you are and/or that he uses it as a way to feel less sexually inhibited. In moderation it seems to work. Research conducted in 2015 by psychologist Susan Battista at Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia, Canada, demonstrated a 4% decrease in anxiety for every alcoholic drink consumed over two hours.

Alcohol is a depressant that affects the central nervous system, increasing the inhibitory activity of Gaba, a neurotransmitter that slows down brain activity, producing a general calming and sedating effect. It feels nice, but in higher doses it slows down the flow of signals from the brain to the spinal cord, which negatively affects nerve function, leading to a reduced response to sexual stimulation.

Alcohol causes dehydration, which narrows the blood vessels and limits blood flow to the genitals. In women this decreases lubrication, which hinders sexual arousal and orgasm. Since the male erection relies on hydraulics, anything that limits blood flow to the penis has a negative impact.

It is confusing that alcohol can make us feel calm and happy while at the same time robbing us of the facility to enjoy sex, but once we decide what alcohol means to us it is difficult to change our beliefs. Untangling complex psychological associations that have been established over a lifetime takes a lot longer than four weeks, and if alcohol has been a long-term emotional and sexual crutch for your husband it is important to acknowledge how much more difficult it is going to be for him to go cold turkey. Having an honest conversation with him about what he feels is missing from sober sex would be a good place to start.

You might want to explore ways for him to get a more natural high before sex. Research conducted at the University of California in 2019 found that men who went running regularly had fewer sexual problems, such as erectile dysfunction, lack of arousal or difficulty achieving orgasm. Neuroscientist David Linden at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Maryland suggests that running increases the level of endocannabinoids in the bloodstream. These biochemical substances are similar to cannabis but are naturally produced by the body, and have short-term psychoactive effects such as improved mood, reduced anxiety and creating feelings of calm. 

In fact, the body of research on exercise is so compelling, I think I might just swap red wine for running too.

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