Sex File: My husband's phone addiction is ruining our sex life

When one partner withdraws from sex, from physical affection, from communication and from family interaction, there is often something else going on. Picture: iStock

My husband's phone addiction is ruining our sex life. He's always on it rather than talking to me (or the kids), which causes constant rows. When we get to bed he says he's tired but then reaches for his screen. How can we reconnect?

In your longer letter you explain that he isn't watching porn or texting anyone in a way that would worry you; he is just always on his phone and so he never feels present for your family. We all use our phones more than we need to and "phubbing" - an awful portmanteau of "phone" and "snubbing" - has been so regularly linked to lower relationship satisfaction that some couples therapists now report "attentional infidelity" as being as common a problem as emotional or sexual betrayal in their counselling rooms.

You want him to reconnect with you but the strategies that you have tried have not worked. Conversations that have focused on the perceived problem - his constant phone use - escalate into arguments. It's a very common pattern. Accusation generally leads to defensiveness. One or both partners flood emotionally and then they shut down or lash out. Rows like this go nowhere and they solve nothing and so there is literally no point in having them. Instead, you need to broach the issue indirectly in a way that doesn't cause him to flare. 

The best way to get his attention might be to text him and tell him that you'd really like to talk to him. Before you do so, you need to think about what might be bothering him as well as how it is affecting you. You don't say how long this has been going on, but it is an important point. When did his behaviour change and did anything else happen at the same time? Have you been through any big life transitions? Bereavement? Job change? A new baby? Could he be depressed? Is he worried about work, or money, or where he is going in life?

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When one partner withdraws from sex, from physical affection, from communication and from family interaction, there is often something else going on. Getting men to talk about their feelings can be difficult, but unless you can get to the heart of the issue things are not going to change.

When you do talk, using "I" words to describe your feelings rather than "you" words to describe his behaviour is a good strategy. Think about your body language and your facial expressions too - smiling softens everything and is much more likely to generate openness. Where you try to talk to him can make a difference as well. When you are in bed together you are physically close and that proximity can sometimes make it easier to open up. Turning the lights off can help too. When you can't see, sensations like touch become heightened and so holding his hand if he discloses something that makes him feel vulnerable feels much more meaningful. It also increases the likelihood of make-up sex.

The two of you need to reconnect emotionally before you reconnect sexually. Sometimes couples can do it by themselves but sometimes they need a bit of help. Relationship counselling helps people to find better ways to communicate and even if the conversation never gets to sexual difficulties, when couples feel more emotionally connected their sexual connection improves too. Unfortunately, most couples who are having difficulties leave relationship counselling until the writing is really on the wall, but early intervention is a much better idea. Right now you are focused on his relationship with his phone, but to solve this problem you need to focus on improving your relationship with each other.

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