How to deal with grief on the first Christmas after losing a loved one

Christmas evokes memories of past festive celebrations, often reaching back to childhood. And when a close family member passes away, their loss can be all the more painful at this time of year

Pic: iStock

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, sings Andy Williams. And for many, that sums up Christmas. But for those who have lost a loved one during the year, the sparkle and joy of the season doesn’t match how they’re feeling.

If you’re facing your first Christmas without a loved one, or indeed any Christmas without a loved one, the dread can build in the weeks and months before the day itself. Niamh Fitzpatrick, psychologist and author, who experienced devastating grief when her sister, Dara, died in a helicopter crash in 2017, says it’s important to know you will “survive this”.

“I remember that first Christmas without my sister,” she says. “I couldn’t imagine the dinner table without her there. Christmas fell on a Monday that year, and I remember saying to myself, ‘It’s just a Monday, with a big chicken. Whatever else this day is, it is just a Monday.’

“Often, the lead-up to the day can be worse than the day itself. That’s why it’s important to allow yourself to navigate that time as you need to. Give yourself permission to say ‘no’ to things. You don’t need to do all the visits or put up a tree and wrap presents if you don’t want to. Don’t judge yourself for how you feel.”

Plan for Christmas rather than let others make plans for you, advises Laura Lynam, bereavement counsellor and psychotherapist. 

“There are no rules with grief. Know what you can cope with and build your plans around that. Some people will cope better if they keep busy and maintain family traditions; others will find that impossible. Be aware that this will be different and difficult, so make plans that feel right for you.”

It’s easy to get overwhelmed at Christmas, says Lynam. “Give yourself time to grieve and remember the person you’ve lost. Walk with it, stay with it, and be yourself.”

Sometimes, our instinct is to avoid things that may upset us. But in the aftermath of a bereavement, almost everything has the potential to distress us, says psychotherapist Marian O’Tuama. 

“If you would like to keep up a tradition that you used to do with your deceased loved one, I would encourage you to do it. It’s OK to be upset and to do the thing anyway. That’s often how we live while grieving. On the flip side, don’t agree to do things that you don’t want to do or feel will overwhelm you, just because they are traditional.”

If you decide to spend time with family or friends, take time to be alone. “Grieving is tiring, and so is Christmas. The combination of the two can be exhausting. You will need some time to rest and to recuperate and some time where you don’t have to put on a brave face,” says Ó Tuama.

We sometimes put on a brave face, even though we are experiencing extreme sadness and grief. “Grief isn’t about getting over it, it’s learning to live with the loss. It takes time. It’s a struggle, and that’s OK. You have to feel those feelings,” says Fitzpatrick.

Death ends a life, not a relationship. Experts say it can be comforting to incorporate your loved one into Christmas. You might want to visit their grave on Christmas morning, put a decoration on the tree that represents them, or donate to a charity in their name.

Some families may decide to keep their loved one’s chair empty at the table, recognising the presence there for so long.

“It’s about continuing those bonds,” says Fitzpatrick. “Even though the person isn’t physically there, you can bring them with you into Christmas.”

If you know someone who has been bereaved, you can support them by finding a way to help that reflects your relationship with them, says Fitzpatrick. 

“You’ll know if they want to talk or just go for a walk. Tell them you’re here with them. Acknowledge their grief. They don’t need to speak or be happy; you’re here for whatever they need.”

Some people may prefer to speak with a trained listener about their feelings. Services like the Irish Hospice Bereavement Support Line offer a confidential space where people can share their feelings. Call 1800 80 70 77 from Monday to Friday, 10am to 1pm.

Everyone experiences grief differently, and everyone grieves differently. There are no rules. From my experience, I know grief is staggering at any time, but at this time of year, when the emphasis is mainly on family and tradition, it can be overwhelming.

Be kind to yourself, and take the time and space you need to get through the day, advise experts. Or, as Fitzpatrick says: “It’s just a Monday with a big chicken.”