Dear Dáithí: My mum passed away this year and I can't get past the grief - I'm dreading Christmas

Irish Examiner Agony Uncle, Dáithí Ó Sé, answers your dilemmas - big or small. Pic: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí, 

I guess you could say I've had a tough time lately. 

I lost my business in 2022, after covid, last February, I broke up with my partner of eight years, and my mum passed away unexpectedly shortly after that. 

I know I'm lucky to have had my mum for so many years, we were very close. 

My dad passed away when I was ten and it has always been me and her. I can only remember ever having one argument with her ever! 

We were very similar and did lots of things together. We spoke every day. 

I miss her so much. I just have to think about her and I start crying. 

The other day I was chatting to a friend about Christmas plans and burst out crying. 

She was very kind but I could see she was bemused by it, it's nearly a year since my mum passed, but I'm acting as if it just happened. 

I'm dreading Christmas. All I want to do is stay in bed until the whole thing is over. 

I have a new job, I've been on a couple of dates, I have great friends, I do feel I'm moving forward with my life, but feel stuck whenever I think of mum. 

I feel as if I'm being disloyal to her memory if I'm having fun, and I know it's crazy but I can't get past the grief. 

If you have any advice I'd appreciate it.  

First of all, there is no doubt that you’ve had a very tough time of late; losing your mom, and your business and breaking up with a partner of eight years is a lot to take on board. 

It would be tough one at a time, but altogether, that can’t be easy. It must feel the carpet pulled from under you and has a pillowcase down over your head.

I have to say I love the way you speak about your mom. It is so obvious that you loved her so much and to lose someone like that is probably the worst of all. 

I was sorry to hear too that you lost your dad when you were so young. That must have been tough on you and your mother. 

Raising a child on your own at any time, back then or now, is a huge challenge. 

Your mom must have been a mighty woman and I’m sure she has instilled that steeliness in you even without you knowing. A great bit of armoury to be able to call on when you need it.

Out of this came a very strong relationship between the both of you. Ye spent so much time together, you can’t put a price on this. 

I know so many people who spend all their lives working and doing other things that sometimes they forget about those who cared for them when they were small and growing up. 

They turn around when their dads and mams are gone and are so upset with themselves that they didn’t put in the time and some never forgive themselves. This is certainly not you!

I think there is solace in this for you. I know this is still very raw for you. 

I remember when my own father died and thinking that this raw feeling will never go away, but it did. It takes time and as we know time is a great healer. 

What happened in my situation is that eventually the sadness was replaced with all the fond and happy memories we had together, and this happened naturally. It’s not something I think you can work on, its just happens.

I’m sure you’ve often heard people say that all the firsts when someone passes are hard, and they are. 

First birthday they’re not here is tough, and definitely the first Christmas isn’t easy. 

But you have time to prepare, and I think this is where those great friends of yours come into play. 

Your friends know you very well and I’ll be surprised if one of them doesn’t ask you over for Christmas day. 

Now, if the invite doesn’t come, I’d say it to the ‘real true’ friend in the pack that this is going to be a difficult Christmas, and you need a little help. 

I think you should spend Christmas day with this person. You don’t have to stay all day and night. 

Do the dinner, bring a nice bottle of wine and stay until you feel like you’ve had enough. 

You might find this hard at first, but this is where you must push through, this is where that steeliness will help you. I think you will feel better if you do. 

I don’t like the image of anyone staying alone for Christmas day, especially when they have good friends. That’s what they’re there for.

Once the day itself is over I think the pressure eases off. You might have a great Christmas and be writing in with a different dilemma next September! 

Well, you have been on a couple of dates, and from your letter I don’t think you had a bad time. 

It might be time to go on a few more of them. This, coupled with your new job - I think things are starting to turn for you, but it's you alone that must keep this motion going. 

You’ve made a great start, and maybe let the 'new year, new you' thing mean something, instead of being an empty slogan.

You say you feel disloyal to the memory of your mom by having a good time, Lord God, stop this craziness! 

Your mother only ever wanted to see you happy when she was here and that has not changed. 

Actually, you’d be disloyal to her if you did stay at home and bury your head in the sand. 

Do it for her, but more importantly, do it for yourself. You deserve it. 

You are totally in control here, you’ve taken the first step in writing to me, now what’s your second one going to be?

• Got a problem? Our agony uncle, Dáithí Ó Sé, is here to help. Contact Dáithí at exa.mn/DearDaithi

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