Sex File: Her job is killing off our sex life 

Research has fortunately identified the best way for couples to sustain their sexual relationships when they are forced to live apart

Pic: iStock

My wife works away a lot, which actually works for us. We both enjoy our independence and find we bicker less, but it can be hard to reconnect in the windows when we're physically together. How can we make the most of it without putting too much pressure on ourselves?

Being separated has its downsides, but it does give couples the space to focus on the things that matter to them as individuals. You can work late, meet friends, go to the gym, and you don't need permission to eat peanut butter on toast in bed watching Happy Valley. You never really feel lonely because you can call or text at any time, and you also have the wonderful upside of your next reunion to look forward to. And that's where it often goes wrong. Big reunions can be terribly anticlimactic. When you are apart, you don't have to deal with the day-to-day reality of physical proximity, and when you are back together, anticipation can rapidly transform into awkwardness.

The reunion crash is a proven physiological phenomenon. When American psychologists studied levels of the hormone testosterone in women engaged in long-distance relationships, they found that it increased significantly before a reunion but returned to normal as soon as their partner was present. The researchers attributed this drop to anxiety, because a decrease in testosterone can be caused by the stress hormone, cortisol.

Research has, fortunately, also identified the best way for couples to sustain their sexual relationships when they are forced to live apart. It shows that couples who think affectionately about each other when they are not together - particularly when they "engage in sexual fantasy" - feel more affectionate and are more satisfied with their sex lives when they reunite.

Still, when you are living apart, it becomes very easy to compartmentalise your relationship. You may talk every day, and there is more to talk about because you're not living in each other's pockets, but there is a tendency to try to avoid talking about stresses and strains because it is more pleasant to spend the little time you share talking about positive things. The trouble is, healthy relationships thrive on sharing ups and downs, and eventually what begins as a well-intentioned attempt to preserve intimacy can create a void of shared experiences, which can leave you feeling as if you are drifting apart.

When calls and texts are the only connection you have, you need to use them more strategically. Instead of ignoring sex while you are apart and then expecting yourselves to be able to take up where you left off, you need to turn distance into an opportunity to explore your intimate relationship. It's not about phone sex or 'talking dirty', although that's fine too. It's about talking honestly about your sex life and acknowledging the uncertainties that lengthy separation creates. Calling whenever it crosses your mind is not intentional enough. It doesn't show either of you that you are each other's priority. You need a policy of regularly having intimate communication when you are both in a private place.

Tell your wife how hard you find it to reconnect when you get back together, and how much you would like that to change because she means so much to you. Being open and showing vulnerability will immediately make you feel closer, and that in itself will help to strengthen your sexual connection.

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