Sex File: We are struggling to enjoy sober sex

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My wife and I have cut back on alcohol recently, which has improved many things - except our sex life. I don't think we realised how much we relied on a glass of wine to get us in the mood, and for her to really relax and let go. What else can we try? How do we enjoy sober sex?

If you relied on alcohol to relax, swapping in other activities might do the trick. Sharing a hot bubble bath with lots of scented lavender oil is a great way to unwind at the end of the day. It also ensures that your skin is soft, warm and squeaky clean, which makes foreplay and sex much more pleasurable. Using candles to create a calm and peaceful environment is also a great way to switch off the brain buzz. Dimmer lighting mimics the body's circadian rhythm and reduces visual stimulation, which tells your body that it is time to relax.

Massaging oil into the skin prior to sex is a great way to begin the arousal process. If you're both interested in a more direct kind of massage, you could try the new Vella Women's Pleasure Serum Jar (€73,75 for 24ml; boots.ie). It contains CBD and emollients that claim to relax the clitoral and vaginal smooth muscle tissue, to make the journey to orgasm less stressful and more satisfying.

Although it might seem counter-intuitive, exercise is a great way to induce feelings of relaxation and it is very conducive to good sex too. Working out gets your heart beating faster, increases blood flow and triggers the release of endorphins that give you a runner's high. People who exercise regularly have higher self-esteem and they tend to have more stamina too. In men, being fit decreases the likelihood of erectile difficulties and in women, it is associated with increased sexual desire, arousal and satisfaction.

Professor Cindy Meston at the University of Texas has conducted all sorts of experiments looking at the impact of exercise on arousal and her research has shown that after a moderate-intensity workout, blood flow is initially focused on restoring the muscles that have been exerted during exercise, but within 15 to 30 minutes blood volume in the genitals increases, which creates an optimum window for having sex.

Finally, in the spirit of scientific investigation, you could experiment with Sentia. In January science journalist Tom Whipple went on the lash with David Nutt, professor of neuropsychopharmacology at Imperial College, London.  But instead of consuming alcohol they were drinking Sentia, a pharmacological concoction designed by Nutt. Sentia (or GABA Spirit as it is subtitled) contains no alcohol but it targets the same GABA receptors in the brain that respond to alcohol. 

Sentia is, according to Nutt, engineered to take you to "two-drink perfection", that state of disinhibition where you are up for anything but still have all your faculties intact. Most importantly, it doesn't give you a hangover or damage your liver. It's not cheap; €33.50 for 50cl (sentiaspirits.com). And it's not quick. I ordered a bottle on January 6 and it still hasn't arrived, so I can't actually tell you what it tastes like. Those who've tried it are divided on the taste - some say that undiluted it's like a cough medicine-flavoured negroni, while one friend says it's rather good with tonic and lime. 

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