Talk to me: My new boss is putting me under pressure - I'm  already swamped 

Whatever issues you are dealing with in your life, from work pressure to stress and grief, psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Picture: Moya Nolan

My new boss is putting me under pressure. She has asked me to take on additional duties even though I’m already swamped. I told her that I’ve hardly a spare minute during the day but she said we’re a team and need to share the workload. I don’t know what to do.

New relationships can bring us on a rollercoaster of emotions and workplace-based relationships are no different. The relationship we have with our bosses is a critical alliance, having the potential to be anywhere from a positive to a destructive force in our lives.

Starting with a new boss can feel like starting a job all over again, making everyday work seem strange and awkward. A new manager can rumble our flow, and this can be particularly disorienting if the demands and pace are already high. The impact of a poor working relationship with our boss can be felt in other areas of our lives — we may become more irritable with friends and loved ones and/or we may have difficulty sleeping. These are red flags that something is awry, and you are wise to take heed.

When pressures within the workplace mount, we often bypass relating to each other in healthy and kind ways. Under pressure, many of us deploy stress response strategies, perhaps fighting, making unreasonable demands, avoiding interactions, not completing work, or overcompensating, sacrificing other aspects of our lives to meet a boss’s expectations. While in the short term these responses may work, they are not sustainable.

Our ability to withstand the normal ebb and flow of work demands is interwoven with our life experience and concurrent stressors, such as childcare, financial stress and ageing parents. Before we revisit a difficult conversation, it is vital to ensure we have our oxygen mask on first. A solid place to begin is to pause and reflect.

Over the past two years, our social networks within the workplace may have been decimated. The incidental interactions in a common area are now recognised as critical moments of co-regulation — moments when we can connect and reflect with each other on a very basic level to restore our inner equilibrium. Now, with working from home, hybrid working or returning to an office after years of social distancing, we have to intentionally take time to connect.

When our relationship with our boss is either in its infancy or has been ruptured through conflict, it can create uncertainty about our competency and diminish our belief in ourselves.

I suggest you chat with colleagues to get insights and new perspectives that may otherwise be hidden. Ask how others experience a new boss to shed light on different priorities or value systems. New ways of interacting or managing workloads can be learned from trusted colleagues. Take time to consider the situation from various new vantage points to help clarify the issue.

When our relationship with our boss is either in its infancy or has been ruptured through conflict, it can create uncertainty about our competency and diminish our belief in ourselves. So reflect not only on your ability to complete tasks but also on the goals of your role, your team and the company. Consider whether your understanding of those goals is shared with your boss and if your values are aligned with those of your boss and the company hierarchy.

An overarching organisation goal may be to sell a product, and your team’s goal may be to streamline IT systems to ensure the customer can purchase the product easily. You may place a value on creativity and this will drive how you interpret the brief, while the company hierarchy may place greater emphasis on tradition, influencing how managers want you to achieve the goal.

This discrepancy may result in a lack of harmony. However, if you feel values are shared, perhaps the company values creativity too, it may be worthwhile to have the tricky conversation about how you can achieve your goal. If not, you may need to turn your attention to a new workplace where your core values (in the above example, creativity) are not consistently compromised.

Deciding to have a difficult conversation is especially courageous when the other person holds the position of power.

Nevertheless, it is wise to give your boss a heads up, saying what the focus of the conversation is and asking for a time and space that’s agreeable. 

Blindsiding someone is rarely advised as it often results in the other person engaging their fight-or-flight response rather than from a position of reason.

The conversation could start with establishing whether there is a shared understanding of the team’s overall goal and how the prioritised tasks of your role contribute to that goal.

This might go something like, “I was hoping we could talk about our understanding of the tasks of the team and how they can be prioritised in keeping with the overall goal.” The constraints of your role can be explored. These can include company procedures, time, experience, resources, and competing demands. You could say, “I am hoping we can look at how we can address the competing demands of XYZ”.

We know that when we enjoy a strong working alliance with our boss, we can be productive, creative and innovative.

Mutual respect can enhance our sense of self-efficacy, warding off burnout and increasing job performance. It’s a good idea to request a follow-up conversation where the agreed steps can be reviewed and adjusted in light of the new learning. Our relationship with our bosses is not fixed - it is an ongoing process where both parties can capitalise on the trust and partnership that positive tension can generate.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to [e-mail]