Sex File: She says I'm too chatty in bed 

Focusing your attention on your senses helps you to be present in your body, not your mind

Picture: iStock 

I don't like the sound of silence - even in the bedroom. My girlfriend accuses me of being too 'chatty' when we make love and says this annoys her. Is it fair for her to ask me to change something so harmless?

While there is nothing particularly wrong with being talkative during sex, that it annoys your girlfriend is a problem. Relationships require give and take and when you persist with a behaviour that your partner dislikes you increase the risk of the relationship failing. Learning how to accommodate differences is a central challenge in any relationship and, sometimes, compromise is the only solution.

Meeting in the middle will only work if you are both prepared to adjust. The best way is to try to understand the situation from each other's perspective. At the moment you are poles apart. You dislike silence during sex and she dislikes noise. Clearly, something needs to change. Instead of interpreting your girlfriend's preferences as a form of rejection, consider the possibility that she may find noise distracting during sex. A lot of people are quiet when they are making love. Some need to get lost in the sensual experience to be able to achieve orgasm. In either case, listening to a sexual partner chat away is an unwanted intrusion that breaks the sexual spell. You obviously need to discuss this with her, but if you can reframe your "chattiness" as a behaviour that undermines her sexual experience you may be less inclined to fill the silence.

You also need to work out why you feel the need to talk so much during sex. Talking a lot can be a sign of anxiety, particularly if you find it hard to stop when you know that it is not appropriate. There is also a strong relationship between talking and self-confidence.

If this sounds familiar and you are an anxious person, talking during sex could be your way of filling what you fear might be an awkward moment. Be honest with yourself and then with your girlfriend. Tell her how you really feel. Understanding your chattiness in the context of anxiety will, I'm sure, make her much more sympathetic.

Being open with each other will help to defuse the situation, but exploring mindful sex techniques together would help in finding a new and calmer way to be sexual with each other. You can read about mindful sex online, or buy Lori Brotto's book Better Sex Through Mindfulness (Greystone Books, €15.50), but there is really no big secret to the techniques. The idea is simply to clear your mind of distraction and try to be "in the moment" while you are making love.

 Being mindful brings a whole new awareness to the experience and focusing your attention on your senses - sight, sound, smell, taste and touch - helps you to be present in your body, not your mind. As you tune in to the sounds of your breathing, the thump of your heartbeat, the rustling of a cotton sheet or the soft whisper of skin on skin, you realise that sex is never silent and so there is nothing to be scared of.

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