Ask Audrey: ‘If you are ringing to complain about the robot trees on Patrick Street, press 1'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It's gone very ‘O2, O2B, O2B-A Re-bel’ on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Get Over How Much We Love Hurling All of a Sudden. Cliona_Head2ToeinMoncler said she has taken to picturing Patrick Horgan during sex with her Ken, even though she knows he’s from the northside.

We banned her from the group for six weeks, because if you read that a certain way, it sounds like her Ken is from the northside, and we don’t want to take any chances. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said it’s amazing to see some of the most sophisticated people in Cork going around shouting ‘no fault’ and ‘man before ball’ at each other, when only last week they thought that hurling was just a way to keep the savages in East Cork occupied over the summer.

Myself and the other stunners are planning to travel up to Dublin for the All-Ireland buzz next weekend, but we don’t want the Dublin elite to think we have anything in common with pond life from Mallow or Kanturk. Do you know what we could wear to make it clear that we’re stylish, rich, and at the heart of the zeitgeist at home in Cork?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

It’s a tricky one. I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, ‘How do you look like an intellectual at an All-Ireland final?’ She said, ‘Try not to move your lips when reading the programme’. #LookAtEinstein

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Myself and Berna have started going to the health club for a bit of pampering. Sitting in the Jacuzzi for 10 minutes is nearly as good as having a boyfriend, if you follow me, and it isn’t like you have to lie there afterwards, while the bubbles tell you about their plans to make a fortune from Bitcoin. 

Anyway, I was going for a swim in the slow lane and didn’t I suddenly feel something tickling my toes and I see this lad gesturing with his hand and I said, ‘Would you at least buy me a drink first?’ and he said, ‘I’m not coming on to you, it’s the way you’re going too slow and I am using the universal signal that I want to go past’, so didn’t I make the universal signal to ‘eff off’ and, between the jigs and the reels, didn’t we end up going for a coffee. 

Berna was livid: She had to get the bus home. Anyway, your man ticks all the boxes bar one: He told me that he’s the chief vision monkey for a large multinational. That sounds made up: I don’t want them laughing at me in Scartaglin. Is he taking the mickey, tell me?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My nephew works for a large multinational. They give him free pizza if he works for more than 23 hours a day. I said, ‘What does your chief vision monkey do all day?’ He said, ‘Explain her job title to people over the age of 40’. #VitalWork

Guten Tag. Great days to be a rebel, eh? I went to my first hurling match in Croke Park last Sunday with some friends from work. I said to my colleague, ‘When are they going to clear these warring hooligans off the pitch and start the match?’ She said, ‘This IS the match, Cork are the warring hooligans in red’. 

Soon, I was drawn in by the speed of this game and the way Kilkenny managed to get 15 players on the pitch when there would appear to be only 13 people living in the county. I asked my colleague if it would be possible to get a ticket for the final. 

She said, ‘Probably not, the tickets are going through the clubs’ and I said, ‘Excellent, the true fans get to see the match’ and she said, ‘No Jurgen, it’s usually guys in Munster jerseys who haven’t been at a hurling game since 2005’. What the actual Frankfurt? How come posh people manage to get all the tickets when Cork reach an All-Ireland?

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

My GAA mad friend, No Fault Froggy Boy, is always bitching about tickets ending up in posh hands. I said, ‘Are tickets going to the real fans this year?’ He said, ‘They are’. I said, ‘What’s the problem so, like?’ He said, ‘They’re real fans of the opera’.

C’mere, what gomie decided Cork needs a forest of robot trees on Pana? I was out for a stroll yesterday morning when I came upon this pallet tower with a television screen in the middle of Patrick Street. There was a lad there from the corporation. He told me that the television screen will tell us when the air quality is bad. I said, ‘Are you mad boy, that’s exactly the kind of thing that will panic me Mam?’

She hasn’t gone back to Red Barn since 2004 after they issued a warning about jellyfish. There won’t be an old person left in town. Can you ring the Corpo there and tell them to turn off the tellies?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang City Hall there and a robot answered with, ‘If you are ringing to complain about the robot trees on Patrick Street, press 1. If you are ringing to try and sell your daft product to Cork City Council because we are obviously crazy, press 2. There is currently a queue of 5,431 calls for this option.” #Gullible.