Ask Audrey: 'I want to keep seeing her, because she does have a hot-tub the size of the Lough'

Sorting out Cork people for ages.

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here from Ballydesmond. One of the great consolations in my life is that my best friend Berna struggles to find a boyfriend. This is nothing to do with her looks mind you — Berna’s legs earned her Best Pins of Duhallow for three years running, which attracted letters from all kinds of freaks across the border in Scartaglin, more than half of them written in crayon. But she’s fussy about men and that can make life difficult up here in North Cork, where most of them have a small forest growing out of their nose.

Anyway, didn’t she go mad last week on the gin and go on a dating app for hippies called ‘I don’t smell as bad as my cheese’. Then last night, she turned up at my door with a very tanned lad from Bristol called Spongy, who wouldn’t know a day’s work if it came up and bit him on the dreadlocks. She was out in the kitchen looking for something to use as a bong, when Spongy leaned over and asked would I be interested in a three-way. Well, I googled it up and I must admit I would, but I’m not sure if I want Berna looking at me doing the biz.

Is it OK to ask your best friend to look away when you’re having it off with a hippy?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

It’s the big question really. I was having a threesome once with my best friend and her husband. She said, do you want to invite your Conor? I said no, he’s practising his speech. #WeddingDayMemories

C’mere, what’s the story with posh people and sea swimming. I’ve started seeing this one from Sunday’s Well. I met her on this dating app that pairs posh wans with normal lads like myself, it’s called Fancy a Bit of North Mon?

Anyway, the other day, I suggested that we take a spin to Garryvoe and she was like, “Oh babes, say that again” and she made a TikTok video called ‘OMG Garryvoe’, which got loads of views because posh nobs have a problem with East Cork, lah. Then I suggested Owenahincha. That led to another video which she called ‘Ballyphehane-on-Sea’, before we settled on Inchydoney. Anyway, we went in for a swim. 

She had this trendy swimsuit that wasn’t sexy, but was sexy too, do you know that kind of a way? When we were in there, she couldn’t stop banging on about the joys of swimming in the sea, as if it was a feed of pints. I was confused to be honest because I thought we were just having a dip. Like, I want to keep seeing her because she does have a hot-tub the size of the Lough in her gaff. What should I do to get good at sea swimming?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My cousin is a sea-swimming bore, we call her DryBalls in DryRobes. I said, why is everyone in such a rush to get in the sea? She said, because there are no toilets near the beach. (So that’s why the sea is so warm this summer. #HotWee)

Guten Tag. I am friends with these people from East Cork, who are very nice even though they live very close to Waterford. (I am really getting into this Cork thing now, where you despise anyone who isn’t you, but dress it up as a joke in case you get cancelled from Twitter for hate speech.)

Anyway, these East Corkies are well into their hurling and were telling me that Cork are playing Kilkenny in the semi-final this week. I said we should go to the game, but they said, “No, why would we go to the game? It is only the semi-final; Cork people always wait for the final.” I said what if they lose the semi-final and they asked why would we want to go all the way to Dublin to watch Cork lose to a pack of bog-munchers from Kilkenny? 

As a German, I like their hard-nosed logical approach, but where is the passion for your team, particularly since you have not won the cup since 2005? So, do you know how I can persuade the East Corkies to go to Dublin and cheer on the blood and bandage?

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig, I have all the lingo, boy

My hurling mad cousin is called No Fault Froggy. I rang him there and asked if he’s going up Sunday. He said, “No, I’ll go up for the final.” I asked him how he would travel. He said, “On the bandwagon.”

It’s getting sweaty on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Deliberately Lost their Passport Because They Wanted a New Photo for Indoor Dining ID. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said what’s the point in spending 300 quid on a meal if you have to show a photo of yourself with a 2018 hairdo? 

Chloe_CheckOutMyCheekbones said she presented a dowdy photo to the Maitre D’ of the top restaurant in Cork and was told, “We don’t want your type in here. Maybe try some place in Carrigaline.” 

I’m about to ‘lose’ all my official documentation. What’s the turnaround time for a new passport?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

This hot border guard at Rome airport took one look at my passport photo a few years back and said, “I’d like to ask you a few questions.” I said, “Before you ask, the answer is yes.” #VeryHot