Ask Audrey: 'I want to keep seeing her, because she does have a hot-tub the size of the Lough'

Sorting out Cork people for ages.

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here from Ballydesmond. One of the great consolations in my life is that my best friend Berna struggles to find a boyfriend. This is nothing to do with her looks mind you — Berna’s legs earned her Best Pins of Duhallow for three years running, which attracted letters from all kinds of freaks across the border in Scartaglin, more than half of them written in crayon. But she’s fussy about men and that can make life difficult up here in North Cork, where most of them have a small forest growing out of their nose.

Anyway, didn’t she go mad last week on the gin and go on a dating app for hippies called ‘I don’t smell as bad as my cheese’. Then last night, she turned up at my door with a very tanned lad from Bristol called Spongy, who wouldn’t know a day’s work if it came up and bit him on the dreadlocks. She was out in the kitchen looking for something to use as a bong, when Spongy leaned over and asked would I be interested in a three-way. Well, I googled it up and I must admit I would, but I’m not sure if I want Berna looking at me doing the biz.