Sex File: He won't indulge my hotel fantasy 

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I suggested a sex game to my (newish) boyfriend that I can't believe he has turned down. My idea was to meet him in a hotel bar and pretend we didn't know one other and then have a wild "one-night stand". He said it wasn't for him and we haven't discussed it since. I'm confused. What's not to like?

There could be a million legitimate reasons for your boyfriend's negative reaction, but if you don't talk to him about it, expect to remain confused. Maybe he had a bad experience with role play in the past and it has put him off for life, or he is very insecure. Maybe he finds "acting" embarrassing and the thought of doing it, badly, in a public place where other people might see him would feel humiliating, not sexy.

Perhaps he watched the film Promising Young Woman and the idea of picking up a stranger (even when pretending) in a public place now feels terrifying, rather than exhilarating. Maybe he just doesn't like to play games and is happy exploring your "newish" sexual relationship without having to pretend. Rejection of any kind feels uncomfortable, and I'm sure you feel hurt and embarrassed having revealed an aspect of your sexual self and received such a negative response, but just because he rejected your suggestion, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it.

Lots of people try role play at least once, but it is still not a particularly mainstream pursuit. A survey by the American website Psychnsex found that 46% of respondents had tried role play, but 58% of them had done so in the confines of their own bedroom. Only 8% had the nerve to take it outside.

This isn't a properly established relationship, so you are still getting to know each other, and although your concern focuses on the fact that your boyfriend didn't want to play your sex game, the real issue for you both is what seems to be an inability to navigate individual differences.

In the first six months or so everything is evaluated through rose-tinted glasses. Neither of you can do any wrong until, bang, you hit a bump in the road and the glasses come off. An unappealing character trait is revealed, or an experience is encountered, and suddenly that starts colouring everything, and you can't find safe or common ground.

The issue could be as inconsequential as an argument, or as challenging as hidden debt, but suddenly the person you felt so comfortable with feels completely alien. When this happens, couples tend to respond in one of two ways. Either they take a risk, tackle their differences head-on and see what pans out, or they pretend that it isn't a big deal, in which case the unsaid haunts their relationship for ever. You can see where I am going with this.

As this relationship matures, there are inevitably going to be all sorts of things that you don't agree on and you need to find better ways to manage your differences. So far, closing down and bottling up how you feel has got you nowhere, so try another tactic.

Instead of feeling hurt and rejected, talk to him. If you can be honest, listen actively and respect his perspective, you will stay on the same team and as your confidence in each other grows, maybe he will get more adventurous. In the meantime, you could suggest a compromise. Meet in a hotel bar and don't pretend you don't know each other. Then have a wild night of sex. I doubt he will have a problem with that.

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