Ask Audrey: 'I'm frightening men off with my unbridled lust, should I tone it down?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

HELLO, it’s Rosealeen, here in Ballydesmond. The phone rings yesterday and who was it, but Berna, telling me about a new dating site for middle-aged people living in rural Ireland: It’s called Freckles. She joined up and was inundated with photos from lads called Jeremiah — there were one or two mickeys, but it was mainly a satellite photo of their farm on Google Maps. Anyway, didn’t I join up last night and not five minutes later, I got a message from Rockin’ Billy, asking me if I’d like to accompany him to a hotel for the few days. I said, ‘Hang on now, is this a dirty weekend?’, and he said, ‘No,’ and I said, ‘Well, I’m not going so,’ and he said, ‘I thought we could start out with a friendship’ and I said, ‘I’ve friends coming out my ears, Rockin’ Billy, I need someone to tie me to a bed and order room service.’ Well, didn’t he block me after that, like some kind of parish priest. I might be frightening men off with my unbridled lust. Do you think I should tone it down a bit and say that I am looking for friendship?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend is a sex-and-relationships advisor. We call her ‘350 Euro An Hour’. I rang her and said, ‘Is there a name in the dating game for someone who pretends to be interested in friendship?’ She said, ‘Yes, a man.’

Hey, dude, whenever someone says rich people can’t be cool, I say, ‘Ya, well, my beenie cost €750 and this Brazilian babe in samba drumming insists I’m like a chilled Chris Martin, so suck it up, loser.’ Anyway, the old man gave me 10 grand to sit on the news that he’s cheating on the old lady again, so I bought a horsebox to sell avant garde chips by the beach for the summer. The other day, this local chipper guy came up and said he’d been selling chips in the town for ages, so I said, ‘My family came over with the Normans and built Waterford’ and he said, ‘You should be ashamed’, and I said, ‘For building Waterford?’, and he said, ‘No, you gobshite, for destroying small business owners with your horsebox.’ It all went a bit gangsta after that; your lower-middle-class types get very angry when you threaten to take away their livelihood, ya feelin’ me? As you’d expect, I’m a grand master in a rare form of Korean martial arts designed for cool people, but the local chipper dude has huge, hairy arms. So where could I hire a couple of heavies for security? It would be brilliant if these were cool guys that went to Ashton or Pres.

— Ed, Ballintemple

I’ve a lot of experience with muscle men from Pres, but you didn’t come here to learn about my love life. (Or did you?) I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, ‘Where could I find a bouncer with a degree?’ She said, ‘Look for someone that did Arts: It’s not like they’re going to get a job doing anything else.’

It’s getting suspicious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners With a Bit of Pull in City Hall. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said she can’t understand why there are such big crowds down around Kennedy Quay on a sunny day. Who in their right mind would want to have a drink with an uninterrupted view of the northside? Karen_Happy&Rich said, ‘I’d normally rather be seen in Garryvoe than go down there, but now that they’re talking of fencing it off for the bank holiday weekend, it’s going to be really exclusive.’ Laura_McWilliamsSailingBag said word on the street is they’re actually going to put up big, dark screens around the docks and then set up a really buzzy, night-time scene for people who say ‘absolutely’ instead of ‘yes’. Well, obviously, Audrey, I’m moving into Brown Thomas until I find a boho jumpsuit that screams ‘I’m better than you’ — but just to check, what is the correct way to pronounce ‘absolutely’?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

My aunt is an elocution teacher; we call her Aunt Actually. (It’s her favourite word.) I said, ‘What’s the correct way to pronounce ‘absolutely’?’ She said, ‘Toe-dalee’ — no one says ‘absolutely’ any more’. I said, ‘Should that not be ‘totally’?’ She said, ‘Toe-dalee not, actually’.

C’mere, what’s the story with sleeping with our old doll’s sister? I’m not thinking about doing it, OK. I’ve already done it and I can’t stop thinking about her. I’d like to say this is because we are more compatible at a spiritual level, but the truth is she’s just miles better in the sack than her sister, the aforementioned old doll. The bad news is I share a mortgage with the old doll; the good news is it’s a tracker and I’d do anything to hold on to it, do you know that kind of a way. Ideally, I’d like to replace the old doll with her sister, both in my life and on the mortgage. So, like, is there any way to broach this with the old doll without hurting her feelings?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

Ah, come on. What woman wants to hear that she’s going to be replaced by her sister? (Me, actually, if it meant I could get rid of My Conor.)