Ask Audrey: Level 3? Why would anyone want to leave Cork city?

Sorting out Cork people for ages

It’s getting livid on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners who Got a Subtle Boob Job for Their Daughter’s Communion. Cliona_WhiteRangeRover said they she didn’t secure the best caterers in Cork for her FiFi’s communion next week, only for some Turner’s Cross, Nemo Rangers Taoiseach to go ‘sorry girl, you have to cancel, level 3.’ Emma_ItsNotLikeWeAreNorries said it’s a disgrace if they can’t use the ‘Rolls-Royce’ (her words) of a marquee they hired for her little Hugo, we’re not planning some kind of Ballyphehane come-all-ye for the neighbours with cheap prosecco coursing through our veins. Do you know if Level 3 lockdown will apply to everyone, or will you get an exemption if you’re on first name terms with the receptionist in Hayfield Manor?

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

My ex-boyfriend became a priest, I won’t tell you what he was like in the sack, but let’s just say celibacy makes the most of his talents. I rang him there and said, what do you say to people who want to make communion during lockdown. He said, ‘Body of Christ’ and I take their money,  #Kerching. (He actually said #Kerching.)

Hello, old stock. I’m having an affair with this very open-minded woman from Kinsale (is there any other kind) and she told me the other night she wants more from our relationship than a spot of sadomasochism in the back of a limited edition Range Rover parked up in Garretstown. She said that she’s interested in American politics, so I started following Donald Trump on Twitter. I don’t know what all the fuss is about, he’s pretty much a feminist compared to some of the guys I played with in Cork Con. Anyway, I heard during the week that he paid $750 dollars in income tax. Sorry now but that’s an outrage, anyone paying that amount would be a laughing stock on the Blackrock Road. Do you think I should introduce him to my accountant, Scobie Comerford? 

— Reggie, Blackrock Road

My friend is very high up in the Department of Foreign Affairs. (I think she runs the canteen on the top floor.) I said, do you know any Americans that can get a message to Donald Trump? She said, try Stephen Donnelly. I said, is he American? She said, no, but he thinks he is.  #TheAccentOnHim

C’mere what’s the story with having a banger because of impending level 3 lockdown. My mam rang there last night and said, I can’t sleep Dowcha Donie, everyone is saying that Cork city will be put into Level 3 this week. I said, Mam, what’s your problem with lockdown girl, why would anyone want to leave Cork city? She said you’re right there, boy. I said, I know I am, who in their right minds would wake up on a Saturday morning and say, do you know what I’d like to do now — go to Galway and have a sing-song with some art students from Mayo? So, Audrey, can you tell that shower of langers up in Dublin they can lock us into Cork for as long as they want, we’ll be loving it? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I’m not as enthusiastic as you are. Sorry, but being locked into a city with 50,000 Norries sounds like the start of a zombie horror movie. Still, level 3 won’t make any difference to me, it’s not like I was going out to any ‘wet pubs’ anyway. Sorry, but it sounds like someone flooded the jacks. I haven’t a worse bit of marketing since someone came up with the name Dublin Bay Prawns. (Have you seen Dublin Bay?)

Any crack? I’m up from Kerry doing first-year Agricultural Science, I’ll be playing senior football for UCC in no time, ye have useless players up here. I’m dying to have sex with a Cork city girl, Killorglin women are well fit but there’s always the risk that you’re doing it with your cousin. The problem is that students are considered worse than Oliver Cromwell himself now and we’re banned from meeting up in the kind of places I could unleash the old Kerry charm and get a chick into bed. Is there an app I can use to find a Cork girl, tell me? 

— Smooth Seán, Killorglin and Magazine Road.

My niece (Ballintemple) just started at UCC this year. I said, where do you stand on Kerry boys? She said, on their mouths, it’s the only way to block the shite they come out with. #NoOffence.

I’m from one of the top families in Mallow, measured by the number of times people see me and say, there’s Kathleen now, hide for feck sake or she’ll have us cleaning the roundabout for Tidy Towns. (I can both hear ye and see ye. Ok?) I saw that Dr Ronan Glynn on the news yesterday, now that’s a centre-parting I said to my son Donal, as the good doctor told the people of Cork we should half our social contacts for the next few weeks. What is the best way to get rid of half your friends? 

— Kathleen, Mallow.

I rang the Posh Cousin, and said what’s the best way to get rid of half your friends. She said, tell them you’re from Mallow. I said that won’t work in Kathleen’s case, she wrote to me from Mallow. She said that’s amazing. I said someone in Mallow who can write? She said, exactly.