Ask Audrey: I'm so mad for his hot loving, you'd swear I was a woman from Killarney

Sorting out Cork people for ages

We're watching each other like hawks on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who' d Actually Die if We Were Out-Gifted. Dee_ INever CheckMyBankBalance said she still has nightmares about Emer Cronin-Buckley posting a photo of the top that Dee gave her for Christmas last year, with the caption, #ThanksHun, #ThoughtThatCounts, #YouOkForCash?  Next up,  Erica_OldMoneyMerchantPrincess  suggested we should cancel presents this year and give to charity, and I think they probably heard us laughing all the way over in Turner's Cross. Soz now like, but we pay enough in tax all year round,  at least allow us Christmas to think of ourselves instead of others. Anyway, I'm thinking of doing a collage photo of the receipts for the presents I give to the girls this year, captioned with #BeatThatSuckers. Is that passive-aggressive? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

No. That's aggressive-aggressive. My Posh Cousin has started a Christmas gift-guide podcast for the officer class in Cork society: It's called, ' You've been Spotted in TK Maxx. Now What?'  I said to her, 'What are you giving your friends for Christmas?' She said, 'Covid-19, it’s going to be very exclusive soon, thanks to the vaccine'. #PoshPeople #Unpredictable

Hello, it's Rosealeen, here in Ballydesmond. I'm still doing a nice steady line with the guard above in Bishopstown. I'm so mad for his hot loving, you'd swear I was a woman from Killarney. I'm up and down to Cork like a yoyo, because, apparently, he' d turn into a pumpkin if he got up off his fat arse and came down here to visit me in Ballydesmond. I don't mind the driving, truth be told, although the city traffic is a fright and didn't I have to call himself the other day to organise a Garda escort off the Kinsale Road Roundabout, after I'd been going around it for one hour and 25 minutes. Anyway, he rang just there and said, 'Would you like to do Pana?' and I said, 'Sorry, but I'm not into the old drugs', at which point he laughed and said, 'It's Patrick Street, you daft bogwoman. We'll have to teach you our ways, here in the city'. So, like, is there a book I could buy, tell me? 

—  Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I told me neighbour about this and she told me there's a book out for Christmas aimed at culchies up for the day. I said, 'What's it called?' She said, ' Would Ye Ever Stop Asking for Directions to Roches Stores?'

C'mere, what's the story with shaving your beard off in the run-up to Christmas? I grew mine 20 years ago, back when a beard meant you were well-dodgy.  It got me loads of action from Scoil Mhuire wans who wanted to upset their Mams by doing the biz with a bad boy. But now a beard is a joke; you’d see them on trainee accountants from Clonmel in their sad Peaky Blinders hats, tasting small glasses of different beers rather than just drinking loads of Fosters. To add to it, my beard do be driving me crazy with the itch, so much so that I woke up last night and said, 'Enough is enough, I’m shaving it off, lah'. At which point, my old doll said, 'Get back into bed, you gomey langball, I've spent over 100 notes on beard-grooming stuff for you for Christmas. The beard stays or I go'. Like, is that an abuse of my human rights over my own beard, like?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My frenemy, Clodagh, rang yesterday and said, 'My Ken  shaved his beard off after I spent 150 quid on a top-end grooming kit. Do you know anyone who needs one? I said, 'Ya, you'. ( She’s like a Yeti.)

Hey dude, I come from the richest family in Ballintemple, measured by the number of times one of us says, 'What's a mortgage?'  We have a Secret Santa in our house for the family and our domestic staff; it makes them feel treasured and equal to us, even if their contract explicitly prohibits them from saying 'hello' to us if we bump into them in town. (As if we’d be seen dead on North Main Street.) Anyway, I drew the cook in Secret Santa this year, an attractive-in-a-rough-way northsider called Tina. This screams €5 edible underwear to me — do you think that might send the wrong kind of signal?

—  Ed, Ballintemple

My dodgy cousin is a gifting guru. (He was a cat whisperer last week; it’s hard to keep up.) I said, 'How  would you react if someone gave you edible underwear'? He said, 'I wouldn’t make a meal out of it'. # Hilaire.

Hey,  girl,  so we're like totally  having our work party on Zoom tonight and I've told the crew inside that I live in a villa in Montenotte, when,  to be honest, I'll be coming live from my Mam's boxroom on the Old Youghal Road, because have you seen the price of rent?  I was thinking of using a photo of Ronan O'Gara for my Zoom background to make it look like I'm well-posh. What do ya reckon ?

—  Kiera, Montenotte (say nothing).

This  is another one for the Posh Cousin. I said, 'What does Ronan O’Gara say to you?' She said, 'Very little, after I told everyone in the tennis club that he's only from Bishopstown'. #Morto #ModelFarmRoadWannabes