Denis Lehane: All revved up for the Cork '20' Rally

Indeed, I might even take part in a stage myself, if such a thing is allowed. Picture: Martin Walsh.

It will be like Monte Carlo around here next Saturday morning.

With the Cork '20 Rally passing the bottom of the lane, I will be up on the ditch like Prince Albert himself cheering them on.

The Rally hasn't passed the bottom of the lane with many years.

The last time it did, we were all a lot younger.

We all had a lot more hair.

Obviously, I will have to keep an eye open on my bullocks, on the morning of the event.

For bullocks on the road here in Kilmichael, just like bullocks on the road in Monte Carlo, would not be appreciated by the rally drivers, as they thunder past.

The bullocks, if I recall correctly, were very well behaved the last time round.

Being well used to hearing my jeep and tractor misfiring, backfiring, and generally blowing smoke, they didn't bat an eyelid.

The hens however, didn't like the rally one bit. But tis very little that hens do like!

Sure, if you sneeze when passing hens, they get excited.

Anyhow, regardless of my hens negative attitude towards motorsport, the Cork '20 Rally is on the way, and I'm really looking forward to it.

If fellows have a need for speed, there is no better, nor safer place to do it than in a rally.

Good luck to them all.

Indeed, I might even take part in a stage myself, if such a thing is allowed.

Yerra, without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I would be known far and wide as a bit of a wonderkid when behind the wheel.

For whether it's in trying to steer my way out of a bog hole, or in going up the side of a raveen, you can be sure with auld Lehane behind the wheel, the horses won't be spared.

Once the shoe goes down, it stays down.

And I wouldn't need a navigator either, sure I know all the roads around here like the back of my hand.

So, driving in the Cork '20 Rally would be no bother to me.

Indeed, just as sure as an old ram wears his raddle in the spring, I could well be wearing the victory laurels at the end of the race.

Stranger things have happened.

And with my Corolla now kitted out with four new remoulds, and after having the service of a lifetime, sure my 25 year old Toyota, like myself, is only itching to rip tar off the roads around Kilmichael and further afield.

I feel the need for speed, I really do.

I'm like Tom Cruise, only without the hair and the teeth.

I would probably go in the vintage class of the Cork '20 Rally, if such a class exists.

And I would prefer, nay insist, on wearing my farmer's cap instead of the customary racing helmet.

Yerra, I was never one who was big on following the rules.

And after spending a lifetime of farming unfettered by any and all restrictions, sadly I'm facing my final years with failing sight and deteriorating hearing, so the last thing I need is to cover my head with a big metal helmet.

Sure, I wouldn't hear or see a thing with that contraption on me.

No, I'm only driving in the rally if I can wear my cap, and that's my final word on the matter.

So now, if I do get the nod on Saturday, you can look out for auld Lehane as I too whizz past.

I'll be the auld lad in his blue Corolla, zooming past with his boot fastened down with bale twine.

I'll be the auld fellow wearing the farmer's cap with the elbow out the window, enjoying the view and all the adulation.

I'll be the speed-merchant leading the pack hopefully, all the way to the chequered flag.