Auld Lehane's sound farm advice for Zuckerberg
I don't want Mark Zuckerberg coming to me after twelve months saying that the bullocks I encouraged him to buy didn't leave him a bob, writes our Auld Lehane in this week's Lighten Up. Picture: iStock.
With Mark Zuckerberg having recently purchased a fine plot of land down in Waterford, I have decided to offer him a few practical tips on how to make a go of his new Irish farm, and save a few bob in the process.
For regardless of size and scale, certain things need to be in place, before farming can get underway with gusto.
Now firstly, I would like to congratulate Mr Zuckerberg on his fine purchase.
440 acres is a great start.
Bualadh bos.
And I know the area well, having spent my youth riding high on the swinging chairs in Perks of Youghal.
The land that surrounds you, Mr Zuckerberg, is fine country.
Welcome to Waterford. Welcome to east Cork. Welcome to Ireland and welcome to farming life, my friend.
A thousand welcomes and a million best wishes, to the billionaire farmer.
Now the first thing a fellow should do when taking over a farm, before anything else, before even making a cup of tea, is check the fencer wire.
If there isn't a good sting running on that thing, you will find cattle going missing or new cattle appearing on your farm.
And your first interaction with your neighbours should not be arguing about the boundary ditch, while your cattle are trampling on their geraniums.
Check the shock Mark. And if it's not pulsating like the chest of a middle-aged man after getting a dance in Lisdoonvarna, grab a slasher and get to work.
Briars, my dear fellow, can drain the life out of wire.
Slash them like the devil. A good fencer makes a good farm.
And if you don't have a good fencer, fear not, a few old pallets will do the trick.
Strap them up nice and tight to cover any holes in the ditch.
Use lashings of bale twine, splash out. Remember the money you spend today, will return tenfold over the lifespan of your active farming life.
And with the boundary ditch secure, make yourself that cup of tea, and enjoy it.
Have a slice of sweet cake too, you deserve it.
Rewards in life are important.
Next, Mark, and this is very important.
You will have to figure out what kind of farming you intend to do down there in Waterford.
Will it be dairy, beef or goats?
That decision is up to you.
I can't tell you what to do.
But a word of caution. If it's money you are after, stay away from beef cattle, just for the moment.
The prices at the mart would frighten the life out of you.
And I don't want Mark Zuckerberg coming to me after twelve months saying that the bullocks I encouraged him to buy didn't leave him a bob.
The best bet right now is the calf.
A few bucket-reared calves would be ideal, for restocking purposes.
Don't go mad when buying.
After the tea, check the diesel tank on the farm, and if there is diesel in it, put a lock on it.
Green diesel right now, my dear man, is the most precious thing that you can possess.
Lock it up tight. And put a light over the tank, to protect it over the long winter evenings.
And if you have to order some, hold onto the bill.
You might be able to claim a few pennies back at a later stage.
It won't be much, but as the fellow says, "It would be better than a kick up the backside."
And while I don't know too many farmers down there in Waterford, I did know two bachelor brothers who lived there years ago.
The Coffey brothers, Tom and Jack, were famous back in their day.
So famous indeed that videos were made about their shenanigans.
Their 'Bachelors in Trouble' videos might be of huge help to Mark Zuckerberg now in getting him off the ground, farming-wise.
For while the Coffey brothers had great difficulty in finding wives, they had no difficulty in living off the land.
A fellow could learn more from a Bachelor's in Trouble DVD than from a thousand hours spent up there in Moorepark.
But look, at the end of the day, if you really want to have a good life out in rural Ireland or a good life anywhere, my advice is simple.
Ditch the phone. Ditch the computer and ditch the silly glasses.
Get a pair of good boots, get a bit of fresh air, and get to know your surroundings.
And most importantly of all, get to know the wild, warm and witty people who inhabit our wonderful countryside.
Welcome to Ireland Mark, and I'll see you at the mart.
