Kanye West... The greatest farming tool in the world
Kanye West owns a fine plot of ground and now he has a mouth like a pliers, writes Denis.
Kanye West recently had all his teeth removed. The singing sensation now has a mouthful of metal dentures.
They are a mighty job.
He's a clever man.
I was at Macroom Mart on Saturday, and he was the talk of the place.
The west Cork town was agog with news on Kanye.
He now has a mouth like a set of pliers.
Some say the dramatic transformation was a publicity stunt, but if you ask me, I believe it was a farming stunt.
Kanye West might be a singer of some renown (you may even know his music).
He could be well up there with John McCormack for all I know, and for all I care too.
I have little knowledge of his onstage antics.
But what I do know is that offstage, Kanye is a landowner. He's a farmer really, in other words.
Kanye owns a fine plot of land that stretches out as far as the eye can see... 3,000 acres (according to my source) based out there in Wyoming, or Texas or someplace.
On this farm, there is every reason to imagine that Kanye keeps cattle, sheep, and, God knows, maybe even a few pigs, too.
Himself and his good lady wife, Bianca Censori are probably up to their armpits right now, dealing with calving, lambing and all other farming related matters.
His old Ford 3000 is probably on the back wheels most of the time, with the height of tearing across the yard.
Anyhow I'm not really sure on the finer points of his operation, all I do know for certain is that Kanye West owns a fine plot of ground and now he has a mouth like a pliers.
And as sure as night follows day, that's bound to come in handy.
Now picture the scene, you won't have to try too hard.
Imagine aul Kanye, or Ye, or Ewe, or whatever it is nowadays, is out farming one day, and he comes across a ewe in trouble.
"Well, feck it," says he.
Her head might be caught in sheepwire; her wool could be entangled in barbed wire. It doesn't matter.
And it doesn't matter if it's on the rolling planes of Montana or the snow-covered foothills of Mullaghanish, the ewe is in trouble. It's the same story, the world over.
You reach into your pocket to locate a pliers.
You don't have one, of course, you don't! Who does?
Well, aren't you lucky then if you are a fella like Mr Kanye West.
For with a mouth like a pliers you can chomp through the sheep wire like Kojak bites through a lollypop.
The captive sheep is free! You return home a happy farmer. You are smiling from ear to ear. Your metal teeth glistening in the spring sunshine. You are a sight to behold.
On to the next farming job.
There might be an old tractor requiring a jump lead to start or a job needed in cutting through briers that are obstructing the proper running of fencer wire.
Who knows, and who cares too. For with a mouth like a pliers, I've little doubt most farming obstacles can be overcome.
And who's to say now that Kanye won't convert his arm and fist into a sledgehammer, or his leg into a block splitter next?
A man willing to turn his mouth into a pliers, is liable to do anything.
Kanye's metal mouth could be the beginning of the transformation that will take the star from a singing sensation to the greatest farming tool of all time.
