Dear Dáithí: I don't want to miss out on my grandkids because I wasn't there for my kids 

'Sometimes we forget the importance of that intergenerational relationship between grandkids and grandparents that we all had growing up.'

Dear Dáithí,

I’m a proud grandfather to three grandchildren; two boys and a girl. While I don’t see them as much as I’d like, my children do send on updates when they’re involved in a match or a dance competition, if there’s a big event at school, or if they are on holiday. 

I might see them every few weeks and on birthdays, family occasions, and at Christmas.

I’d like to be more involved in their lives and have even offered to get involved in childcare, and save my children a few bob, but they have politely turned me down. There’s no issue or animosity. 

I suppose the issue is that I wasn’t really around as a dad when my own kids were growing up. I worked hard and travelled a lot with my job. There were times I’d be away for weeks at a go. I missed a lot of birthdays and family occasions.

I’d be the first to put my hands up and say it was their mother who did the heavy lifting when my own was small. One of my children has told me she would describe me as an absent father growing up. 

It was only in later years when my children were adults that we really built relationships. We all get on well but maybe aren’t as close as some families.

When I offered to mind some of the grandkids, their mother said that, while it was a kind offer, I just wouldn’t know how to actually look after them because I hadn’t looked after my own. It broke my heart.

I’m not looking to rewrite history but I don’t want to miss out on building a relationship with my grandchildren because I wasn’t there for my own children when they were young.

Any advice?

There are a few elements at play here but I have to say you are coming at this from a very good place. It’s a great thing to say you’re "a proud grandfather". A lot of grandparents would be happy with the level of contact you already have. 

All you want is a little more and isn’t that a great thing? I don’t know how many people I know who would love to have the grandparents more involved, not to mind having more free babysitters.

For some strange reason, your own children don’t really want this, and we might get to know why as we go through this.

I’m going to come straight in and say it but I think they are being very hard on you and, in one sense, they are punishing you for not being there for them and for being away working when they were young.

I think if they have a good look as to why you were away, they might cop on a bit. It’s not like you were out drinking; you were out working hard to make sure that they at home had everything they needed.

Would you have preferred to be at home every evening? Of course you would, but that wasn’t the job, so for that reason you were an "absent father", but were you really if you were out making money for those at home. 

I think absent father is too strong a term for this. Let’s be clear, you were a man who worked so the family had what they wanted and needed.

Here’s the thing, you all get on and, when you didn’t work so much in your later working life, you had a great time getting to know them properly.

Another person might have thought it was too late, but not you.

All that said, when you did offer to mind the grandkids, one of your daughters reminded you you weren’t there for her when she said that you wouldn’t be able to mind them because you wouldn’t know what to do. I thought this was a very low blow and I can see why this broke your heart.

I would return to this with her and tell her how that made you feel. She obviously has issues still with this, and it might be no harm in talking about it and to remind her too that you were away working for the family.

As you say, you are not looking to rewrite history and it’s good to say that too. The reality here is you don’t have to work any more and you have time on your hands and you want to help. It will also bring people closer together and only good things will come from that.

Sometimes we forget the importance of that intergenerational relationship between grandkids and grandparents that we all had growing up.

For some reason now, it doesn’t seem to be important any more, but it is. In one way, the grandparents are kept young, and the kids always learn from them. I see it with my own fella; he and my mother are as thick as thieves when they come together, and it just raises my heart.

The sad thing here is that if your daughter doesn’t soften, some day you’ll be gone and it will hit her that you were trying to do good and but it will be too late, and that is something she will carry around with her forever. I still can’t believe she said that to you.

I think your wife will have to play a role in all of this, and it should come from her to remind your own kids why dad was away.

Maybe your wife feels the same way, though — this happens too. I don’t get the feeling from your letter that this is the case, but I do think the first chat here is with your own wife and tell her how you’re feeling about this and ask her for help with this because it means a lot to you.

Reality is a great stabiliser and, in this case, what happened in the past and what comes only lives in your imagination.

Reality is the here and the now, and for you that is building a relationship with your grandkids, so go and do it.