Lighten Up: Zuckerberg and the flight of the Angus
Denis helps Mark Zuckerberg source foundation cows for his ranch in Hawaii in this week's Lighten Up.
Computer ace Mark Zuckerberg now has Angus cattle on his ranch in Hawaii.
As if he is not making enough money already!
Now he will be able to draw suckler cow money, area aid assistance and disadvantaged payments of every description.
He on the pig's back entirely, and in many ways, it's all thanks to me.
I got the call just before Christmas from Zuckerberg himself. He was on the lookout for "a few handy suckler cows", as he put it himself. He knew, you see, that when it comes to cows, I'm yer man, and a terrific tangler to boot.
He knew I could poke out a few cows for him, and that I wouldn't be blowing about it either, or breaking the bank, for that matter.
He wanted seven, but I told him he'd be better off getting a dozen.
He wanted some Wagyu-type cows, but I told him it was hard to beat the Aberdeen Angus and that Wagyu was only a flash in the pan, or words to that effect.
"OK so," says he. "Do your best. I'll have a plane at Cork Airport in a week's time - you can load them there."
"Easier said than done, boyo," says I to the billionaire, as I hung up the phone.
Anyhow, I sourced his few cows from a suckler man who was culling some of his elderly ladies.
"Hawaii will suit these lassies just fine as they are in their twilight years," the farmer bragged before he spat on his hand and made the deal with yours truly.
And sure enough, a week later, we were hurtling up the airport hill with a fine truckload of Zuckerberg's cattle.
Bound for Hawaii. But first of all, we had to make it up to the airport.
Alas and alack, this proved too much for the truck and 12 cows.
That airport hill is a climb of some magnitude. And while the truck I was travelling in was a well-seasoned traveller, like the 12 old cows - it simply didn't have the legs to complete the pilgrimage.
As we neared the airport, the truck announced to the world, with one final mighty roar of her engine, that the end of the line had come.
A plume of black smoke fired from her rear end was the icing on the cake.
"Don't worry," says I to Connie, the driver, who warned it would be an hour or two before we were motoring again. "We can walk them the rest of the way," I said, as I let down the ramp.
So, like the old days when farmers walked their cattle to the fair, me and Connie walked the cattle into Cork airport and onto the runway with a surprising amount of ease.
Once we announced to all by waving our hands and roaring aloud that we had cattle bound for Hawaii, gates were opened, room was found, and a great fuss was generally made.
Soon, our plane was backed up, as sweet as you like, and with only a little encouragement, all 12 cattle walked on board.
"You'd swear they had gone to Hawaii before," says I to Connie.
Angus cattle can be very placid like that.
Anyhow, I told the pilot I was missing a few cards, but that I would post them on to Hawaii in a couple of days. He told me it mattered little to him.
"Zuckerberg," says he, "Is a pure gentleman. A few missing cattle cards won't put him up or down."
"Very good so," says I, and with the cows drifting up into the heavens and headed for Hawaii, myself and Connie headed back to our stricken truck and the traffic jam that was surely behind it now.
Another day over for this busy farmer. But for Zuckerberg out there in Hawaii, his farming life is only just beginning with his herd of first-class Angus stock. I'll just have to go and visit them some time.
