Lighten Up: Will Trump head to the ploughing?
With a skilled ploughman guiding President Trump down the furrow, he will feel almost greater than an American President; he will feel like a champion Ploughman, writes our Auld Lehane.
It's no coincidence that President Trump's trip to Ireland comes just days before the National Ploughing Championships.
Golf my backside. He's here for the ploughing. That's clear to see.
Mark my words, his trip will be extended, just as sure as night follows day.
In fact, I myself might have been asked to welcome him to the ploughing fields of Screggan.
"Get Auld Lehane to welcome me," he supposedly snapped to his Chief of Staff when plans were being drawn up for an extended Irish visit.
"That guy who writes for the is amazing. He's the biggest farmer in Ireland. The best," Trump told reporters recently in Manhattan.
Yerra, that's no word of a lie. 'Fake news', my backside...
Anyhow, I got the gig, and unless I am otherwise occupied, I will be there in Screggan to greet his chopper when it lands on that green strip located right alongside the public portaloos.
A few plastic doors might be blown open upon his arrival, but what harm?
The Ploughing is always full of surprises. And Trump loves to make a grand entrance.
"Be sure to have a pair of wellingtons ready for him," I was warned. Trump and his team are always thinking ahead.
The Secret Service will be there in force too.
It will be like 'The West Wing' only with mud.
"So where will you take Trump, once the official handshakes are over?" You might cry with enthusiasm.
Well, obviously I will take him for a pint straight away.
Trump doesn't drink normally, but I reckon for the Ploughing he will make an exception.
And good for him.
A man who doesn't take a pint at the Ploughing isn't really at the Ploughing.
And after a few pints, we will head over to the Rumbles Restaurant for a feed of chips. An army never marches on an empty stomach, and neither will we.
I expect the American Embassy will pick up the bill for Rumbles and the few pints.
Next we will stride over to the Livestock Section, where I will impress the hell out of the leader of the free world with more makes of cattle than he could shake his fist at.
From Kerry cows to Shorthorns to Herefords, we have the breeds here in Ireland, and the expert farmers, to make his head spin like the blades of his chopper.
From that moment on, delicious Irish beef will be on the menu in every US restaurant from New York to Cincinnati.
Job done. Auld Lehane saves the day.
Then we will head to the machinery and the farm building stands, where I suspect the president will again be gobsmacked by the wonders on display.
The hands that built America haven't been idle.
And then finally we will arrive at the ploughing, where the President will see action like the Superbowl, only without the cheerleaders.
I can easily see him on top of a Massey 135 or a Ford 4000 and he ploughing like the devil.
Obviously, he will insist on ploughing with horses too, as presidents normally do.
And with a skilled ploughman guiding President Trump down the furrow, he will feel almost greater than an American President; he will feel like a champion Ploughman.
