Denis Lehane: How to become the richest man in the world
Never a man without a plan, Farming columnist Denis Lehane offers his suggestions on how to become the world's richest man.
They say Elon Musk is now the richest man in the world.
Well, if you ask me, there is nothing to it.
If you would like to become the richest man in the world and don't know where to begin, read on. I will give you all the tips you need, for as you know by now, dear reader, Denny Lehane is never a man without a plan.
If you believe what the interweb gurus tell you, any old fool can become the richest man in the world with the right cunning plan - it's as simple as that.
These days, you'll hear oceans about cryptocurrencies and stock market trading, but the real secret the rich don't want you to know is that the road to El Dorado is paved with dairy-cross calves.
So, if you are a farmer, well, my dear man, you are already halfway to becoming the richest man in the world. Congratulations!
Next, get a shovel and be smart about it. Rich men don't spend all day twiddling their thumbs.
Now, start digging a big hole. And dig it deep. Dig it deep enough and big enough to bury a humongous box.
In this box, you will place all the money you will soon be earning
"But what about the bank?" I hear you cry. "Could they not take the money?"
Yerra, forget about banks. Banks are only for paupers. Banks wouldn't have a vault big enough to hold all the money you will soon be making. So, keep digging.
You are well on your way.
Next, buy a big box made of plywood or some other durable timber.
This can be placed into the hole and used as a giant piggybank to hold all your money. Isn't it exciting?
I would avoid using a cardboard box for the simple reason that cardboard overtime will allow dampness to get in, and there would be no point in being the wealthiest man in the world if all you ever do is spend your evenings blow-drying twenty-euro notes.
Stick with plywood and you won't go wrong... the box won't cost a fortune either.
Now for the exciting bit... How to make a fortune beyond your wildest dreams?
With a new year having only just dawned, we are awash with newborn calves.
It's the same story every year. The marts will soon be full of them.
Newborn calves just looking for fellows like you and me to rear them.
My cunning plan involves rearing a few calves to begin with and then expanding wildly.
And before I get bombarded with complaints from fellows saying, "There is no money in calf rearing, only back-breaking slavery for all involved." let me assure all that not a bag of overpriced milk replacer will have to be purchased.
Here's the clever bit.
I propose you purchase a cull cow instead of a milk replacer, slip four calves under her twice a day and when the calves are reared, sell off the cow. You will find you will have the calves reared for next to nothing. You can't lose. It's ingenious!
Now, here's the tricky bit.
In order to become the wealthiest man in the world, you will need to go from purchasing one cull cow to seven billion a year and a corresponding increase in calf numbers.
I know it's a tall order. But nothing was ever achieved without some degree effort.
I realise your workload will increase a little with the seven billion cows, never mind the calves, but take on help if you have to. Don't shoulder the burden of responsibility all by yourself.
What you will have if you follow my plan is a foolproof way of taking on the likes of Musk for the top spot.
Now, I'm not promising that you will become the wealthiest man in the world, for I don't know what tricks others might have up their sleeve.
All I'm guaranteeing you really is that you will have your hands full.
