Denis Lehane: Why not be a Swifty farmer at the ploughing?

In an effort not to miss a beat at a long-winded Taylor Swift concert, many of her loyal fans have taken to the new-fangled fashion trend of wearing an adult diaper. I kid you not.

Have you ever been at a cattle mart and mad anxious to buy cattle, only to lose out on a bidding war over a need to visit the toilet?

It can be deeply frustrating. The right animal comes along at the wrong time. Your need to toss a bid weighed against your need to spend a penny. The mart might be king, but the bladder waits for no man.

Yerra don't worry, we've all been there. I've missed out on purchasing the grandest bargains of all time, over the call of nature. I'd be a millionaire today if I could only stay away from the drink and didn't have to use the lavatory.

Well, my friends, help is at hand. Today, with regard to our plight, our angst at the mart, the wait is over. Just like the town of Macroom got its long-awaited bypass, the toilet too can be bypassed.

And the answer to the dilemma can be found, not in dusty farming journals piled high in the corner of a darkened room, but at a sold-out concert of the singing sensation Taylor Swift.

Yes indeed, the answer lies here.

It has been revealed to me that, in an effort not to miss a beat at a long-winded Miss Swift concert, many of her loyal fans have taken to the new-fangled fashion trend of wearing an adult diaper. I kid you not.

Yerra, tis all the rage in the likes of America. You're nobody at a Taylor Swift concert unless you're wearing a diaper. They'll be wearing them at Puck next year.

You can take your place amongst the madding crowd, drink like a fish for the night and then conduct your business in your pants. A classy event for sure. And one which will catch on for sure. For what happens in the US today, is usually all the rage in places like Ballyhaunis tomorrow.

Anyhow, staying on the subject of peeing in your pants, and without wanting to be crude, for tis not in my nature, with the National Ploughing event underway this week and with the craic up to ninety in Ratheniska, and with every fellow mad anxious not to miss a single beat, would it not be a good idea to go to the Ploughing event like a Taylor Swift fan? 

Like a fully-fledged Swifty, with a smile on your face and a nappy covering your bum? 

If it works why knock it? That has always been my motto when dealing with any invention or creation that reduces time spent away from the job. If it cuts out the middleman, I'm all for it.

Down through the years, the only thing I have found lacking at the ploughing has been time. Time to climb aboard that new-fangled combine. Time to examine every furrow. 

Time to meet stars like Marty Morrissey and talk about fast cars and loose purse strings. Or better again, time to have 20 pints with that old guy who is always full of news.

Well, by golly, now by following the latest practices of the young, all of this, and more, could be possible.

By being a Swifty farmer at the ploughing and with your pants pulled up tight around your waist you can proudly march on, oblivious to the intrusive call of nature.

With the portaloo days behind, you can truly have a wonderful day as you mingle in between the plough and the stars.