A robotic goat?! What the Puck?
Ireland's oldest traditional Puck fair opens in Killorglin, County Kerry, with the horse fair and parade through the town culminating in the crowning of King Puck, a wild mountain goat.
I haven't been to Puck Fair with many years. Marriage can play havoc with a man's efforts to attend horse fairs and glorious events of that calibre.
The last time I was at Puck I could hardly remember it at all, such was the fun I had. Killorglin is a terribly friendly place, drunk or sober.
I'd would highly recommend Puck Fair - not only for the single lads but for all. It's good for the soul, good for the heart and brings a bit of joy to our lives.
Anyhow, attention has turned to the goat again this year, and rightly so.
"Three cheers for the King!"
But alas, no. Attention isn't on the goat merely because of the way he is celebrated, only because of where he is positioned high above the town.
Seemingly, outside experts on goats, have said that he is too high. And even though you or I might think goats like nothing better than high ground, well, it seems we are wrong.
What a goat does or does not like, is far beyond our grasp.
So, a long-term solution has been mooted whereby the real goat could be replaced with an artificial one... just like the real hair on my head might one day be replaced with an artificial rug.Â
Well, I'm all for it! If your head is bald (like mine), if the goat is too high, go artificial. Go AI. 'Tis all the rage these days; artificial this, AI that.
At least it will ease the workload on the poor volunteer goat hunters, who spend a week of hard work high up on nearby mountains attempting to track down a goat for the event. With an AI goat, they will be able to put their feet up.
And how much will a technologically advanced goat cost? Sure, that's an unknown.
He may cost €5m; he could cost €20m. Who cares? Nobody really, except for the poor people who may have to fund the thing when trying to organise the event in future.
The real fellow, the real goat, who lives high up on the mountains, probably costs nothing, but that's not the point.
That's not our problem. That's a problem for the volunteers who put together the wonderful event — people who nobody considers for a moment.
We are all only focused on the goat now and his fear of heights. Which I believe goats don't have.
Personally, I believe a wild goat would be far more afraid of people on the ground than heights. Sure, a wild goat will run to the roof of a shed to avoid the great and the good.
And the only suggestion I will make on the subject is that if there is going to be an artificial goat back at Puck Fair, make sure he's a damn good one.
Don't spare on cost; give him plenty of attitude.
Be sure that he can roar like a lion and spits like the devil himself.
Make sure that his animatronic legs kick like a donkey.
And better again, if he blows fire out through his nostrils and drenched the town with water from his undercarriage, all the better.
If we are going to have a goat made of plastic, he may as well have all the bells and whistles.
And finally, make sure he has a wind turbine attached to his tail.
The last thing Puck needs right now is a diesel-powered goat.
The grass-powered article is clearly causing headaches enough.
