By Denis Lehane
Honest to God, you couldn’t make it up. I received a wedding invitation during the week, that literally took the wind out of me.
The thing arrived in a golden envelope, like something from the factory of Willie Wonka.
‘The Windsors of Buckingham Palace,’ — I read as I tucked into my boiled egg — ‘hereby invite Mr Denny Lehane and missus to the wedding of Megan Mary Bridget Markle and Harry Frank Spencer Windsor.
The wedding it stated would be held in London on May 19 ‘Please RSVP, ASAP’.
“Well blast it!” says I to myself throwing the letter on the table, for if there is one thing I don’t need it’s a wedding at the busiest time of the year.
May is the month for silage, not matrimony. I usually don’t have the time to scratch myself in May, never mind take the slow boat to England.
But I’ll go of course for the sake of relations between the UK and Ireland. The English are very fond of our beef, you can’t ignore that fact.
Anyhow, you must be wondering why the likes of me was asked to go and so many others left uninvited.
Well, that my friend, is obvious. It’s all the doing of Prince Charles I suspect. Charles is a farmer at heart who you’d imagine reads this paper every week.
Over the years he has probably become very accustomed to my down-to-earth style and would like me at the wedding so that I could talk farming with himself.
To be blunt, it will be a snobby class of a wedding, with Charles most likely sick to the hind teeth of talking to the hoity toity brigade.
Things could be worse of course for at least I’ll have a smart suit of clothing for the event. My daughter Denise will be making her confirmation three days before the wedding, so I can wear my suit to the confirmation in Kilmurry and then after wiping it down, wear it again in the chapel for the royal wedding.
And if there is a stain or two on it, sure what harm? All eyes will be on the bride and groom, not the boy from Kilmichael.
Anyhow the agenda for the wedding goes something like this. We are all to meet up at Buckingham Palace at about 11 in the morning to down a few drinks before being whisked off by horse and carriage to the church.
The wedding Mass itself will take about three hours, for there will be a pile of trimmings to the ceremony. So we have been warned to make full use of the toilet in Buckingham Palace before heading for the church. In the words of The Lord Chamberlain himself, “Don’t be caught short”.
We will be greeted at the church by a guard of honour and will then be ushered to our seats. I will be sitting about three seats behind the Duke of Paddington and two seats to the right of the Queen of Persia. So keep an eye out for me should you be looking at the wedding on the telly. I’ll throw a wink at the camera if I get the chance.
Afterwards it’s on to the Ritz for the grub and then a band, not yet announced, will keep the show going until the early hours. Rumour has it that Big Tom and the Mainliners had been provisionally booked for Harry’s wedding. No better man than the King of Country to play for the Queen.
But alas with Big Tom having taken his final bow, the Queen will simply have to look elsewhere to find appropriate entertainment for us attending that much heralded dream day in May.