Denis Lehane: A Hollywood biopic? Can it be true?
“I see they’re making a movie of your writing,” says he down the line, with a thundering laugh.
“What do you mean, a movie?” I responded, not knowing a thing about it.
“Sure ’tis all there in today’s Examiner. Your man Brendan Gleeson is going to star in it. Based on a story by Denis Lehane,” says he, and he laughing once more.
Of course there was nothing for it, only to slam down the phone and get on down to Lissarda to purchase the paper for myself.
“Where are you off to my now?” my missus queried as she saw me changing from my wellingtons to my boots.
“Where am I off to?!” I repeated, “I’m off to purchase the Examiner, for I’m mentioned in it today.
“There is a movie being made on a story of mine, possibly about the bullock with the one testicle, or the shed that blew away.”
“And who is going to star as yourself in the film?” she asked in all innocence.
“In the name of God woman, if I knew that,” I bellowed back, “do you think I’d be rushing off to grab the paper?”
“Oh I see,” says she, finally getting a grasp of the situation.
“As far as I know, it’s possibly Brendan Gleeson,” I then said.
“I suppose,” says she, “there is a similarity alright between yourself and Brendan Gleeson, with his old grey beard and all.”
And I had to agree with her, for when I let it grow these days, ’tis inclined to go grey. Yes, Brendan Gleeson was a good choice for the role. I would have no quibble with that.
“And who will play me?” she then asked.
“Again woman,” I declared, “if I knew that, I wouldn’t be here on my hands and knees tying my laces, I’d be in Hollywood.”
“Well, I know one thing,” says I, “it won’t be that Meryl Streep anyway. Not if I have anything to do with it! Streep is overrated, everyone knows that.
“I’ll insist on Kate Winslet to play your part, or the deal is off!” I boldly exclaimed, before hurriedly leaving for Lissarda.
A s I travelled along, I began to think about my part in the film all the more.
And I came to the conclusion that nobody could play the part of myself better than myself.
Who else could act the part of Denis Lehane better than Denis Lehane?
I would take the lead role myself. With Kate Winslet as my leading lady.
By the time I reached Lissarda, my lips were trembling with anticipation.
Alas and alack, my foray into the movie business was short lived.
I soon discovered after rummaging through the paper that the film wasn’t based on me at all, only on a story written by the other Denis Lehane.
The crime writer based from Boston.
A film all about mobsters and hoodlums, a film with no mention of the half-castrated bullocks of Kilmichael.
That was the sombre moment indeed, when I came to the realisation that the story of my life had not been turned into a Hollywood blockbuster.
Just when it seemed my life was on the up, the dream was snatched at the last moment.
There would be no toasting my movie success along the boulevards of Beverly Hills, the only toast I could look forward to now was back home on the kitchen table.
