Yours and mine and Uncle Tom Cobley and all. I extract this dire information from the third and sadly final edition of Old MacConnell’s Almanack, available exclusively only in this space.
I can assure you all that my researchers have a 99% accuracy level to-date and tell the truth at all times, like myself. I briefly scanned the emerald green production of my rival Old Moore earlier this week and it was the same as ever.
His predictions for the year ahead are always hedged around with so much doublespeak and clever linguistics that you can read anything you like into them.
Old MacConnell’s Almanack is different. The language is direct and blunt. Accordingly, unless there is divine intervention, take it for granted that this is your last Christmas.
We will not see another one. In fact the way things are going we will be lucky if we are still around on Saint Patrick’s Day. The sad truth.
Consider the battalion of hard facts upon which my team based their finding. I find them to be dreadfully convincing. The fundamental finding is that there have never ever been so many unreliable and lethal political forefingers poised over the red buttons which will launch us into nuclear war.
In America, for example, the one I call the Gingerman myself will take possession of his red button in a couple of weeks. In the meantime he is building a cabinet largely composed of hawkish generals and retired generals. One of them is proud to be known as The Mad Dog. Another amazing truth.
Simultaneously in North Korea, their strange leader is testing new nuclear missiles at the rate of about one a week. This is in order to fortify his red button.
Most of his rockets to-date have blown up harmlessly because of their flaws but my team tell me that he is likely to get it right long before Christmas comes again.
Down the road from there Putin, of Russia, daily more resembles the next actor who will play James Bond and has the strut to go along with that. He is reinforcing his weaponry on land and sea, is honing the skills of his bombers over Syria and the Middle East generally, has already stolen part of Ukraine away from its majority and, for certain, is not a man to back away from any red button. He doesn’t believe in Christmas either by the way.
The Chinese are not saying much but history has proven that happens when they are at their most dangerous altogether. Hollande of France is likely to be replaced by the flaming Le Pen, who is a red button icon herself.
The similarly structured Wilders is gaining more power in Holland, the frightening Nigel Farage (great friend of the Gingerman) is hitting bigger headlines every day, Merkel of Germany seems to be losing power by the hour in her country.
Very significantly too the British prime minister Theresa May, who has declared war on Europe via Brexit, last week went on a foreign trip wearing the exact same style of leather britches that Calamity Jane pulled on when going out to gun down cowboys. What does that tell you?
Worst of all is to come. My team tell me that even if all those unreliable fingers stayed away from their red buttons next year we are still doomed, because of the acceleration of the global warming process and related pollution. The North Pole is nearly melted away, likewise the South Pole, the oceans are rising at the rate of about six inches a week.
Underneath them the tormented crust of the earth is on the point of collapse.
Surely ye have noticed that there is an earthquake somewhere nowadays about every day of the week, long extinct volcanoes are erupting constantly and grilling entire towns overnight and tornadoes, hurricanes, twisters and tsunamis and major floods are an element of every second weather forecast. And the English are about to build another five Sellafields on the coast facing us. Need I go on?
Happy Christmas then. Knock the last of the sauce out of it. And it might not be a bad idea for the Christians among you to go to Confession at the start of the new year.