Denis Lehane: I nearly choked on my sausage reading Mary Robinson's solution to climate change
My gagging was all to do with an utterance made by former Irish President, Mary Robinson.
Mary has a plan, you see, on how you and I can save the world.
The obvious way, one would assume, would be to get a helicopter like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and start plucking people from various sticky situations.
I saw Dwayne do the very thing on a movie recently. And he was only mighty.
He must have saved at least half the world in that helicopter of his.
But that, of course, was only a movie, and not the real thing.
Mary’s plan to save the world does not involve helicopters, muscles, or anything as dangerous as the antics of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
“Give up yer auld meat and ye will save the world,” Mary said recently, or words to that effect, when she spoke at some gathering where a herd of people were assembled.
But how, you might cry, will giving up the odd sausage save a world ravaged by hunger and military conflict?
Well that my friend is the greatest mystery of all, your guess is as good as mine.
All I do know is that Mary said it, so it must be true.
I have always had a lot of time for Mary, particularly after she gave up her old job as President of Ireland, to pursue a better job someplace else.
Brains? Sure the woman is crippled with them.
So if Mary suggests that we should push our plates aside, forsake our sizzling sausages, refuse that crispy rasher for the sake of the world, well then I think the least we should do is make some class of an effort.
Unfortunately, the report gave little guidance as to what we could eat instead of meat.
There was no menu attached, and this I thought was a bit reckless.
If Mary had asked me to give up Guinness, for example, to save the world, that would have been no problem.
I could always switch to Smithwicks, safe in the knowledge that they are compatible enough as far as my gullet is concerned.
Indeed, sometimes, over the summer, if the mood is on me, I will switch to Smithwicks without ever being asked to do so by a former head of state.
But this business s giving up meat without a clear substitute on offer, is like asking someone to give up going to mass without the offer of another god.
And I feel it is here that Mary’s proposal could fall flat on its arse.
Anyhow, I’m told the carbon footprint is the reason behind the whole business of this conversion from meat to greens.
But I’d have the devil of a time sustaining body and soul, on limp lettuce and soggy slices of cucumber.
Going ‘cold turkey’ on meat, could well be the finish of me.
The Irish economy too, of course, would suffer greatly, if we were to follow Mary on her merry dance down the road of carrots, beetroot and turnips.
After all, we make a sizeable sum from beef, pig and poultry and lamb production and export.
In the end, it might have been far easier for us to save the world if Mary had asked us to do it with Dwayne’s helicopter.
