Cormac MacConnell: Maggie leads the line on Dublin protest day

Hello to you all on a fine autumn morning.
Cormac MacConnell: Maggie leads the line on Dublin protest day

Let us hope that the slantingly amber ember days of September will be better than the weeks and months we have just survived and that there will be a lot less rain.

On the other hand when I was a very young calf my mother used always tell us on a wet morning that we had been designed to be waterproof.

I never forgot that down the years since. By the way, I suppose I should introduce myself properly before I go any further.

My name is Maggie and I am the matronly lady that led the farmers’ protest march through Dublin early in the week and, though I am not one to blow my own trumpet at all at all, I know I did a mighty job,even though I got precious little thanks for it from anybody.

I’m cross about that. The RTÉ crew simply described me as a dairy cow and gave me only a couple of seconds of camera time.

Typical jackeens they were because they focused all their attention and lenses on the couple of bawling bonhams that did not know where they were,or why they were there and never closed their stupid little mouths all day.

I knew well how important the protest was and that is why I held my head up high all the way up to the EC Commission Office. I’ll tell ye more than that.

You would think that Paddy was leading me through Dublin on the day but the truth is he got tired in the early evening and I was holding him upright at the end.

Furthermore I gave the farm a good bucket of top quality milk in the morning before we hit the road and another in the evening after we got home, even though my left hoof was sore enough from those bloody Dublin streets.

Before I go any further I beg to inform ye that I am a member of a very distinguished bovine clan altogether.

I was thinking about that when listening to the speeches about how the plunge in farm prices had hit our industry so hard recently. My father, for example, was one of the most fertile and famous AI bulls in the history of the service.

He sired progeny through his precious straws in every county of the Republic bar Cavan where they were too mean to pay for his services and used useless little scrub sires instead. The pure truth yet again.

My own first son, when he had lived his bullock’s life, still lives on because his hide provides the sound for the bodhrán used in her shows by the lovely singer Imelda May. Two of my daughters,in their youth and prime, won top prizes at the Tullamore Show and sold for premium prices thereafter.

As I listened to the farm leaders bemoaning the fact that the current closure of the Russian market to Irish farm products has contributed drastically to the bad market today, I so wished that I had the ability to address the crowds of farmers present in their own language because if that had been so I could have sent them all home in happier mood.

Those of you who read Cormac’s stuff here every week know well there are many hidden facets to every story and it so happens I am in possession of crucial farm market facts at present.

In a nutshell a high percentage of the milk from Paddy’s farm goes, not to the creamery, to be pasteurised and effectively destroyed in terms of natural purity, but to an organic cheesemaker down the road who has built himself an international reputation over recent years.

I cannot name the man here but I can reveal now that, following a food fair in Moscow eight years ago, he captured an elitist share of the Russian market including, would ye believe,the palate of the Russian dictator Putin.

Putin, I swear, is addicted today to the cheese which is created and crafted by the milk from myself, my two sisters and one daughter. He had stockpiled a cache of our cheese before imposing the boycott for purely political reasons.

But I wish I could have told the worried farmers that he has only less than two pounds of our Irish cheese left... he devours it at every breakfast.... and so, when he runs out of stock before the end of this month, you can be certain that the boycott of Irish farm products will be immediately lifted.

Sure that cracked man has more control over the Russians than even Hitler ever had over the Germans. So the crisis is almost over. Take it from the cow’s mouth as solid fact.

When the lifting of the boycott is announced before the end of the month and Simon Coveney and the various farm leaders are claiming all the credit will ye please remember that ye read the news here first.

Moo! Moo!

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