WHAT’S that sound?

NEVER mind Hurricane Isaac.

IF you ever want to feel old, fat and naff, go to the South of France.

OUR holiday sounds quite fancy — the south of France — until you add ‘in a tent’.

I’M WRITING this with my nose, and using my forehead for the space bar.

FIRST we had George W Bush being misunderestimated, now we have Mitt Romney being mischaracterised.

TONIGHT’S the night, people.

BEING new to football — that is, having gotten into it in my 40s as opposed to my teens — it still remains something of a mystery.

NORMALLY you feel regret when couples break up.

IN A mixture of keeping up with the Joneses and trying desperately to keep up with the 21st century, you might find yourself in a place so alien to your usual environment that you are finding it hard to breathe normally while remaining upright.